It Hurts...

I'm not sure that I have it all figured out....
I know that there is a lot that I don't understand and that I don't know.

I know that my purpose and my mission is to pursue Him...
I know that only in that pursuit and only allowing that pursuit to consume me, do I have a chance at living to my potential.

That means letting go....
Of Me.
ALL of Me....
Coming to a place where He exists instead of me.

That means being willing to get rid of everything....
Things I love....
People I love....
Dreams I have....

I want to be at a place in my life where I don't just know Him.
I want to need Him... really need Him.

It hurts to let go... It doesn't make sense sometimes. I don't understand how something that feels so good and so right could not be of Him and to His Glory.
But, I'm not suppose to understand. I'm not suppose to think it makes sense. I am suppose to obey. I am suppose to surrender. I am suppose to lay it down and walk away.

I try...
every day I try.
Every day I lay it down and every day I pick it back up again!

He is teaching me... He is helping me grow. It's hard. At times it's not fun. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to have to give it up. I want to have both...but I can't. It's not His will. It's not what He is asking me to do. I know what has to happen. I know the step that I have to take.

That step means....
Pain, Tears, Sadness, Questions,
Letting go of something so dear and so real to me!

But I know that His Love, His Mercy, His arms, His strength, His Grace, His purpose, His Mission, His Plan is better and greater then mine. I choose Him. I want to be broken and stripped and I want to hurt and face this trial. I know that it is a test to my faith. I know that this test will develop perseverance. I desire completeness and maturity in my relationship with Him.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature, complete, not lacking anything"

- James 1:2-4

I know that I must obey. I know that I must trust and follow Him. I know that the result is a greatness that is going to surpass everything.... I know that the intimacy of a relationship Christ is going to far outweigh the pain and the tears that I have now.

I am willing!

I can't give it up on my own... but with His help I can.

I want to be in his presence. I want to pursue after Him and His will. Catching a glimpse of His greatness is far better then me living for me!

"... I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of
knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I
consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him..."
Phillipians 3:8-9a (NIV)