Earlier this week I was reading through the Gospels. I was paying particular attention to the Holy Week Events. It always seems so strange to me that churches celebrate Palm Sunday, skip through the suffering and then celebrate the resurrection. Very little attention is given to the arrest, the trial and the crucifixion. How can we celebrate the resurrection (which is of course worthy of celebration!!) if we do not suffer first with the death of Jesus. (I divulge a bit, but as a side note would encourage you to spend time reading the events of Holy Week. Do not gloss over the hard parts to skip to the good news.)
As I was reading this week, God began to show me how Jesus communicated with His disciples. Jesus had given them all the information they needed in order to know what was going to happen to Him. And yet, despite the information they had been given, the disciples were shocked and surprised when it actually happened. They obviously did not understand what was happening. That leads me to ask the question Why? Why, if Jesus told them what was going to happen, did they end up being surprised and shocked in the end. It seems so clear when I read the accounts that they had all the information that they needed to understand and yet they were confused when Jesus was crucified. As I continued to read, God began to show me that Jesus was not giving them the answers they expected or were looking for. The information was not given in a direct A then B then C pattern. The content and the delivery looked different then what they were searching for. They couldn't see it because they were so focused on what they were looking for. When Jesus did give them information, the disciples could not understand and did not know what to do.
I have been a bit like these disciples. I keep asking for a roadmap that is clearly and directly layed out. I am looking for an A then B then C kind of directions. Jesus did not communicate to His disciples that way.... why do I think God is going to communicate with me like that? How much information has God given me that I have completely missed because it is not what I was expecting it to be and was not delivered the way I imagined. It seems like such a DUH thing to finally get and understand. It is something that I have heard and even said over and over again. I have given people this exact advice but this week God told me again. This time, I not only heard it, I have understood it and instead of just saying it I want to live it.
I don't need a roadmap or step by step directions. I only need to open my eyes to see what God is saying and what He is telling me and teaching me. I want to understand, not my plans but His.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
weapons of mass DISTRACTION
Hey there friends. So its been a LONG time.... too long.
I don't have much time to write but I was thinking about this a bit and felt it was worthwhile to share with you!!!
There are 24 hours in a day.
There are 60 minutes in an hour.
That means that there are 1440 minutes in a day!
1440 minutes PER day!
And yet, even with all of that time, I still have trouble finding time to ready/pray/spend time with God. Ok maybe finding the time is not the issue, maybe its making the time....
Why with 1440 minutes cannot I not set aside 30-45 minutes to read and pray and listen to God. Can I get an AMEN?!?!?
I know that I am not the only one...
I run into people every day who if they are being honest with themselves will admit that all too often some other distraction gets their attention instead of God.
And that is exactly what happens. We get distracted.... with TV, internet, friends, phone, sports, work, family, ministry, movie, music, church, volunteering, entertaining.... or whatever. The list is endless. These things are not bad in and of themselves. It is not wrong or sinful to enjoy them. Some of the things in this list are even considered "godly." But we get distracted ... we lose focus on what is important and swap it out for something that is only temporarily fulfilling.
In all our minutes of "living" we miss the one thing that is crucial to the joy and the peace we all desire.
It is a choice...
to ignore the distractions we are bombarded with
to choose God and to make our relationship with Him at the center of who we are
This is how our lives produce fruit that will be evident to the world.
Read it. John 15. Don't take my word for it. Those are Jesus' words. That is what He says.
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." John 15:4-8
Don't get distracted. Push those weapons aside and spend time with the Father. It will change your life.
I don't have much time to write but I was thinking about this a bit and felt it was worthwhile to share with you!!!
There are 24 hours in a day.
There are 60 minutes in an hour.
That means that there are 1440 minutes in a day!
1440 minutes PER day!
And yet, even with all of that time, I still have trouble finding time to ready/pray/spend time with God. Ok maybe finding the time is not the issue, maybe its making the time....
Why with 1440 minutes cannot I not set aside 30-45 minutes to read and pray and listen to God. Can I get an AMEN?!?!?
I know that I am not the only one...
I run into people every day who if they are being honest with themselves will admit that all too often some other distraction gets their attention instead of God.
And that is exactly what happens. We get distracted.... with TV, internet, friends, phone, sports, work, family, ministry, movie, music, church, volunteering, entertaining.... or whatever. The list is endless. These things are not bad in and of themselves. It is not wrong or sinful to enjoy them. Some of the things in this list are even considered "godly." But we get distracted ... we lose focus on what is important and swap it out for something that is only temporarily fulfilling.
In all our minutes of "living" we miss the one thing that is crucial to the joy and the peace we all desire.
It is a choice...
to ignore the distractions we are bombarded with
to choose God and to make our relationship with Him at the center of who we are
This is how our lives produce fruit that will be evident to the world.
Read it. John 15. Don't take my word for it. Those are Jesus' words. That is what He says.
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples." John 15:4-8
Don't get distracted. Push those weapons aside and spend time with the Father. It will change your life.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Anything but ordinary.
So I live in Lynchburg VA. For those of you who do not know thats the home of Liberty Univeristy and Thomas Road Baptist Church. I am surrounded by "Christians." Liberty Mountain is flooded each August with students returning to campus for another school year. Some of my good friends are Liberty Students. They are passionate about their walk with Christ, committed to their ministry and truly doing some amazing things for Jesus. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. We are blessed to have this University. We get some of the best worship and best preaching in the country. Its truly top notch. Opportunities are present everywhere to go to Africa and China and South America for Christ.
Ergun Caner is the dean of the seminary and preaches almost every Wednesday night at Campus Church. His messages are powerful and real. He is passionate about teaching and helping students discern what God wants and live this life for His glory. I remember one Campus Church Service in particular.... He made the comment that when he brings someone to LU he does not want them to offer safe and secure ministry spots to his students.... LU students crave something more. He went on to say that too many Christians live the "safe" life fully missing out on what God can do if they were willing and able. His phrase for the night..... "Go one step outside the gates of Hell and set up camp" I LOVE THAT! Go where no one else will go.... be who no one else will be....stand up for what no one else will stand up for. Simple but so necessary.
I have a confession. I play the what if game alot.... I love my life and my family. I love my friends and I am truly blessed. TRULY. But sometimes, I get bored. Sometimes I allow my life to become too ordinary. I begin to convince myself that someone elses journey is more exciting and better. I have friends who come back from summer with amazing stories of camp and mission trips. I read blogs about students who traveled half way across the world and preached the gospel to people who have never heard the name of Jesus. I sit across the table from people who share with me dreams of full time ministry that would simply make your jaw drop. And envitably a bit of doubt creeps into my body and takes over. Maybe I am suppose to live that exciting life! Maybe I am playing it too safe. I do not have those amazing and jaw dropping stories about 100's of people coming to know Jesus in a single summer.
Then, I remember.... the front porch conversation with a young girl getting ready to head off to college in the fall for her freshman year. I think about the 20-something friend who finally realized that she is worth something and left an abusive relationship to discover life all over again. I recall images of a newly single dad with three children working two jobs to make ends meet. I think about community center block parties with neighborhoods who are hurting and broken. I take a ride over to the empty church parking lot and sit on the playground brainstorming ways to make God's purpose come alive in a church and a body of people that I love sooooo dearly.
Its so easy for me to play the "what if" game. I am surrounded by wonderful and exciting stories. I get so caught up in the big moments of other people's journeys that I forget to see the beauty of my own.
So whats the point you might ask? Why did I take the time on a Friday night to sit here and write this blog? Ready.... its quite simple. God has all of us on a journey. Each person's story and path is going to be different. Do not compare. Do not think that somehow your less famous, less dangerous, less glamorous journey is any less worthy. We have communities and towns and churches who are hurting and who are lost and broken. If God is calling you to that mission field, you should be honored to be a part of it. There is hard work to be done....
Father God,
Forgive me Lord for playing "what if" and comparing my journey to someone elses. God I admit that I often wish for the super exciting and super glamorous. I am sorry for the times God when I allowed life to become mudane and ordinary and missed the opportunity to connect with one of your children. I pray for America and our churches and our communities. So many of them are hurting. Open our eyes God to see their needs. Help us discern God how to be your hands and feet. God use me...use us to reach a lost and broken people who are desperately searching for hope.... I want to shine a light God that leads them right into Your loving and open arms. Make us aware of the people God in our churches, our families, our workplaces and our communities that need You. Make I take the time to build those relationships and friendships constantly showing them, telling them, encouraging them, teaching them, living life with them because I love them the way that You love them. Its really that simple. Thank you for those people who are willing to go into other countries to share the Gospel. Thank you for missionaries who travel across the country to teach and show someone Your love. God, together may we make a difference. Together may we live the life that honors and glorifies You. We cannot do it without Your help. I am dependent upon your strength and your love. - Amen
Ergun Caner is the dean of the seminary and preaches almost every Wednesday night at Campus Church. His messages are powerful and real. He is passionate about teaching and helping students discern what God wants and live this life for His glory. I remember one Campus Church Service in particular.... He made the comment that when he brings someone to LU he does not want them to offer safe and secure ministry spots to his students.... LU students crave something more. He went on to say that too many Christians live the "safe" life fully missing out on what God can do if they were willing and able. His phrase for the night..... "Go one step outside the gates of Hell and set up camp" I LOVE THAT! Go where no one else will go.... be who no one else will be....stand up for what no one else will stand up for. Simple but so necessary.
I have a confession. I play the what if game alot.... I love my life and my family. I love my friends and I am truly blessed. TRULY. But sometimes, I get bored. Sometimes I allow my life to become too ordinary. I begin to convince myself that someone elses journey is more exciting and better. I have friends who come back from summer with amazing stories of camp and mission trips. I read blogs about students who traveled half way across the world and preached the gospel to people who have never heard the name of Jesus. I sit across the table from people who share with me dreams of full time ministry that would simply make your jaw drop. And envitably a bit of doubt creeps into my body and takes over. Maybe I am suppose to live that exciting life! Maybe I am playing it too safe. I do not have those amazing and jaw dropping stories about 100's of people coming to know Jesus in a single summer.
Then, I remember.... the front porch conversation with a young girl getting ready to head off to college in the fall for her freshman year. I think about the 20-something friend who finally realized that she is worth something and left an abusive relationship to discover life all over again. I recall images of a newly single dad with three children working two jobs to make ends meet. I think about community center block parties with neighborhoods who are hurting and broken. I take a ride over to the empty church parking lot and sit on the playground brainstorming ways to make God's purpose come alive in a church and a body of people that I love sooooo dearly.
Its so easy for me to play the "what if" game. I am surrounded by wonderful and exciting stories. I get so caught up in the big moments of other people's journeys that I forget to see the beauty of my own.
So whats the point you might ask? Why did I take the time on a Friday night to sit here and write this blog? Ready.... its quite simple. God has all of us on a journey. Each person's story and path is going to be different. Do not compare. Do not think that somehow your less famous, less dangerous, less glamorous journey is any less worthy. We have communities and towns and churches who are hurting and who are lost and broken. If God is calling you to that mission field, you should be honored to be a part of it. There is hard work to be done....
Father God,
Forgive me Lord for playing "what if" and comparing my journey to someone elses. God I admit that I often wish for the super exciting and super glamorous. I am sorry for the times God when I allowed life to become mudane and ordinary and missed the opportunity to connect with one of your children. I pray for America and our churches and our communities. So many of them are hurting. Open our eyes God to see their needs. Help us discern God how to be your hands and feet. God use me...use us to reach a lost and broken people who are desperately searching for hope.... I want to shine a light God that leads them right into Your loving and open arms. Make us aware of the people God in our churches, our families, our workplaces and our communities that need You. Make I take the time to build those relationships and friendships constantly showing them, telling them, encouraging them, teaching them, living life with them because I love them the way that You love them. Its really that simple. Thank you for those people who are willing to go into other countries to share the Gospel. Thank you for missionaries who travel across the country to teach and show someone Your love. God, together may we make a difference. Together may we live the life that honors and glorifies You. We cannot do it without Your help. I am dependent upon your strength and your love. - Amen
Monday, July 6, 2009
God in my living...
So lots has happened since my last post! Busy life right now. I just finished my Evangelism class and I am currently taking Theology! (Please pray for me!! haha) So far so good.... I am behind on my assignments right now but thankfully my professor is giving me an extension.
I am sittin in the Denver CO airport right now getting ready to catch a flight to Raleigh. Just finished enjoying another amazing weekend with Alicia and Jimmy. Alicia is my BFF and Jimmy is her husband-to-be. Had a great weekend. They are getting married in September and I am the maid of honor. Went out to go wedding dress shopping (she found an AMAZING dress! Makes her look like million bucks!) and visited and caught up. I always love seeing her. I am not sure that I completely appreciated her until she moved clear across the country. Its hard to go between visits but only 11 weeks until she is back in VA. Can't WAIT! The really awesome thing about the wedding is I can stand up there and say that I know both Alicia AND Jimmy and that I truly love them both. God has given me alot of opportunities to spend time with them and I am so thankful that I have a growing and happy friendship with Jimmy too! He is a wonderful person and I love him dearly.
Things at home are going really well right now. Mom, Dad and I are taking big steps in our relationships with one another and I can see alot of forward progress being made. I read Concentric Circles of COncern for my Evangelism class and can say with confidence that book has truly changed my life. If you have not read it, go buy it and begin reading today!! The message is not complicated but life changing. Basically, it says that unless we can repair relationships and share Jesus with those that we are closest too in life, how to we expect to reach the random person on the streets. So, I took it to heart and things are going GREAT! Please be praying for us as we continue to grow closer together and more importantly, closer to Jesus.
So, update on the church. I am still praying. I met with a very dear friend of mine last week and we talked over a Subway lunch (LOVE Subway!!) She had a lot of good encouraging things to say and I think that I am going to go and meet the new pastor this week. This is his first week at the church so I am sure that he is going to be really busy but I am excited to meet him, hear him preach and get to know him. I know that God has a plan and I am on my knees offering it to Him every chance that I get. :)
My friend Richelle is celebrating a birthday today! She is an amazing lady.... truly one of a kind. We went to Sugarland/Billy Currington concert last Friday night and had a blast! I am not sure that there were two crazier girls there. While the music was great and the entertainment a blast, it was just nice to be together. We could have honestly taken a walk and had just as much fun. The most important thing was that we spent good quality time together! Richelle, thank you for being an awesome friend who truly makes the most of life. I am so proud of the steps you have taken in your walk with Christ. You are truly a blessing. Love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Lots and Lots of good stuff going on right now! God is moving and working and I am so excited to be a part of it. He continues to amaze me and continues to bless my life. I love Him so much.
And of course there is always the stuff about life that is not good and not so much fun to talk about. I do need some prayers right now. God, You know my heart and my hurt. I ask Lord that You would open my eyes to see the truth even if it is difficult. God, show me what is honoring to You and may I continue to make that the priority in my life. And Lord, if this needs to be cut out, please reveal that to me. Show me God Your desire. As I search my heart, may I correct the things that need to be corrected, confront what can be changed and leave behind anything that gets in the way of Your will. I love you. Thank you God for loving me. - Amen
God in my laughing, There in my Weeping, God in my Hurting, God in my Healing....
BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING
I am sittin in the Denver CO airport right now getting ready to catch a flight to Raleigh. Just finished enjoying another amazing weekend with Alicia and Jimmy. Alicia is my BFF and Jimmy is her husband-to-be. Had a great weekend. They are getting married in September and I am the maid of honor. Went out to go wedding dress shopping (she found an AMAZING dress! Makes her look like million bucks!) and visited and caught up. I always love seeing her. I am not sure that I completely appreciated her until she moved clear across the country. Its hard to go between visits but only 11 weeks until she is back in VA. Can't WAIT! The really awesome thing about the wedding is I can stand up there and say that I know both Alicia AND Jimmy and that I truly love them both. God has given me alot of opportunities to spend time with them and I am so thankful that I have a growing and happy friendship with Jimmy too! He is a wonderful person and I love him dearly.
Things at home are going really well right now. Mom, Dad and I are taking big steps in our relationships with one another and I can see alot of forward progress being made. I read Concentric Circles of COncern for my Evangelism class and can say with confidence that book has truly changed my life. If you have not read it, go buy it and begin reading today!! The message is not complicated but life changing. Basically, it says that unless we can repair relationships and share Jesus with those that we are closest too in life, how to we expect to reach the random person on the streets. So, I took it to heart and things are going GREAT! Please be praying for us as we continue to grow closer together and more importantly, closer to Jesus.
So, update on the church. I am still praying. I met with a very dear friend of mine last week and we talked over a Subway lunch (LOVE Subway!!) She had a lot of good encouraging things to say and I think that I am going to go and meet the new pastor this week. This is his first week at the church so I am sure that he is going to be really busy but I am excited to meet him, hear him preach and get to know him. I know that God has a plan and I am on my knees offering it to Him every chance that I get. :)
My friend Richelle is celebrating a birthday today! She is an amazing lady.... truly one of a kind. We went to Sugarland/Billy Currington concert last Friday night and had a blast! I am not sure that there were two crazier girls there. While the music was great and the entertainment a blast, it was just nice to be together. We could have honestly taken a walk and had just as much fun. The most important thing was that we spent good quality time together! Richelle, thank you for being an awesome friend who truly makes the most of life. I am so proud of the steps you have taken in your walk with Christ. You are truly a blessing. Love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Lots and Lots of good stuff going on right now! God is moving and working and I am so excited to be a part of it. He continues to amaze me and continues to bless my life. I love Him so much.
And of course there is always the stuff about life that is not good and not so much fun to talk about. I do need some prayers right now. God, You know my heart and my hurt. I ask Lord that You would open my eyes to see the truth even if it is difficult. God, show me what is honoring to You and may I continue to make that the priority in my life. And Lord, if this needs to be cut out, please reveal that to me. Show me God Your desire. As I search my heart, may I correct the things that need to be corrected, confront what can be changed and leave behind anything that gets in the way of Your will. I love you. Thank you God for loving me. - Amen
God in my laughing, There in my Weeping, God in my Hurting, God in my Healing....
BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
i don't know what to think....
so lots of "stuff" running through my head right now. can't really make sense of all of it. not sure i have the courage to write it all down and post it somewhere where everyone can see it, but that is all that makes sense right now. maybe if it get it all out, it will become more clear to me.
let me tell you why.
couple of years ago, i left my church. as i grew closer in my walk with God, i grew farther and farther away from my church. i loved the people and my ministry but i began to come across things that i could not turn my back on. i got frustrated with the senior pastor and the lack of urgency that seemed to be all around me. i wasn't growing and it seemed like God was closing doors and telling me it was time to end that chapter in my life.
since leaving, i have had quite the time finding a new church. i have tried many and even stuck it out with 2 in particular. their names are not important. in the first, i never felt like i fit. i only knew a small handful of people and it seemed to be that way for everyone...including partners who had been there for years. that was not my idea of community. i moved on to a second church where i instantly felt comfortable. i have even started working with their youth group some although their summer schedule and my summer schedule do not seem to be meshing very well.
and then there's my old church. i absolutely love those people.
love. those. people.
even since leaving, i have had many opportunities to be a part of their life and their journey and i cherish the moments that i spend with them. here recently, i have really started to reconsider my thoughts about the church and my role. there is hardly a day that goes by, that i don't think about one of them or all of them. i also know that there is alot that needs to be changed. it can't get done without God. there are so many people there who don't understand relationship and who are not urgent about being better and stronger in their walk with God.
is God asking me to help? why do i feel burdened to help them? why am i constantly given opportunities to be a part of their life? what is my place? is God asking me to go back? what do i do with the parts of their church and their doctrine that i don't believe in? can i do anything and is it God's will for me to do something to reach those people?
i don't have a peace about any of this.... one way or another. i am finding myself asking alot of questions right now and at times talking in circles. i am not sure the right answer and have only one thing to do...give it to Him. He has a plan and i want to be obedient to His leading.
God, help me be faithful and true to You. Let nothing get in the way of what You desire. I lift up that church and those people. You know their needs. i know You are in control and have a plan. as i pause in these moments and consider the next step, i pray that i am patient enough to linger long enough to hear Your answer and Your will. thank you for loving me and thank you for each person in that church who has made a difference in my life. - Amen
let me tell you why.
couple of years ago, i left my church. as i grew closer in my walk with God, i grew farther and farther away from my church. i loved the people and my ministry but i began to come across things that i could not turn my back on. i got frustrated with the senior pastor and the lack of urgency that seemed to be all around me. i wasn't growing and it seemed like God was closing doors and telling me it was time to end that chapter in my life.
since leaving, i have had quite the time finding a new church. i have tried many and even stuck it out with 2 in particular. their names are not important. in the first, i never felt like i fit. i only knew a small handful of people and it seemed to be that way for everyone...including partners who had been there for years. that was not my idea of community. i moved on to a second church where i instantly felt comfortable. i have even started working with their youth group some although their summer schedule and my summer schedule do not seem to be meshing very well.
and then there's my old church. i absolutely love those people.
love. those. people.
even since leaving, i have had many opportunities to be a part of their life and their journey and i cherish the moments that i spend with them. here recently, i have really started to reconsider my thoughts about the church and my role. there is hardly a day that goes by, that i don't think about one of them or all of them. i also know that there is alot that needs to be changed. it can't get done without God. there are so many people there who don't understand relationship and who are not urgent about being better and stronger in their walk with God.
is God asking me to help? why do i feel burdened to help them? why am i constantly given opportunities to be a part of their life? what is my place? is God asking me to go back? what do i do with the parts of their church and their doctrine that i don't believe in? can i do anything and is it God's will for me to do something to reach those people?
i don't have a peace about any of this.... one way or another. i am finding myself asking alot of questions right now and at times talking in circles. i am not sure the right answer and have only one thing to do...give it to Him. He has a plan and i want to be obedient to His leading.
God, help me be faithful and true to You. Let nothing get in the way of what You desire. I lift up that church and those people. You know their needs. i know You are in control and have a plan. as i pause in these moments and consider the next step, i pray that i am patient enough to linger long enough to hear Your answer and Your will. thank you for loving me and thank you for each person in that church who has made a difference in my life. - Amen
Monday, June 1, 2009
the dripping faucet....
I was sitting in my friends house the other day.
A bunch of people were over. We were hanging out and talking and listening to music. The house was anything but quiet.
I was sitting on the couch engaged in conversation and all of a sudden I heard a noise. I looked up and realized the faucet in the kitchen was dripping. Must not have turned it off after my last glass of water.
I was right in the middle of listening to a friend tell a story and wanted to hear the ending so I returned to listening. As I tried to concentrate, I continued to be distracted by the sound of the dripping faucet. I was a bit annoyed. How in the world can something so quiet and discrete become such a loud deafening noise. It was WATER! How loud can it be.
Annoyed, I got up to turn off the dripping water. This tiny noise was easily overlooked by so many others but had become such a distraction to me. I could not ignore it and the more I tried the more I heard it and the louder it became.
A bunch of people were over. We were hanging out and talking and listening to music. The house was anything but quiet.
I was sitting on the couch engaged in conversation and all of a sudden I heard a noise. I looked up and realized the faucet in the kitchen was dripping. Must not have turned it off after my last glass of water.
I was right in the middle of listening to a friend tell a story and wanted to hear the ending so I returned to listening. As I tried to concentrate, I continued to be distracted by the sound of the dripping faucet. I was a bit annoyed. How in the world can something so quiet and discrete become such a loud deafening noise. It was WATER! How loud can it be.
Annoyed, I got up to turn off the dripping water. This tiny noise was easily overlooked by so many others but had become such a distraction to me. I could not ignore it and the more I tried the more I heard it and the louder it became.
So whats the point.....
God chooses to do his work in a quiet and subtle way; like the drip of a faucet. Its rarely in the rushing sound of a waterfall or in an oh my goodness the sink is flooding kind of way. It is so easy sometimes to overlook or even ignore the sound of the dripping water. But on that day, even with all the noise of people, talking and music, I could not have ignored the sound of the faucet if I had tried. The harder I tried the louder it was.
That is EXACTLY the way I want to live my life. No matter how "loud" life may get and no matter what the background noise may be I want the sound of the dripping faucet to be deafening to the point that I become dependent on its sound and can't function without it.
Thats how desperate I am for Him.
God chooses to do his work in a quiet and subtle way; like the drip of a faucet. Its rarely in the rushing sound of a waterfall or in an oh my goodness the sink is flooding kind of way. It is so easy sometimes to overlook or even ignore the sound of the dripping water. But on that day, even with all the noise of people, talking and music, I could not have ignored the sound of the faucet if I had tried. The harder I tried the louder it was.
That is EXACTLY the way I want to live my life. No matter how "loud" life may get and no matter what the background noise may be I want the sound of the dripping faucet to be deafening to the point that I become dependent on its sound and can't function without it.
Thats how desperate I am for Him.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
one of those kinda days....
It was late. I was tired...really tired. The day had started with little sleep the night before and already I was running behind. The to do list grew longer as the minutes and hours ticked away. Things that should have taken 5 minutes were taking 30 minutes and I was worn out. My body was aching. I had worked about 11 hours that day and left feeling defeated. Today was one of those days that work got the best of me .... I seem to be having a few of those lately. As I pulled out of the parking lot I looked in my rear view mirror.
This is what I saw.....
I wish I had a better camera.... This picture barely does it justice. The sunset was beautiful. The mountain backdrop was spectacular! I could not get over all the colors that I was easily able to see.
It was what I needed ..... not that a sunset made everything about that day or that week better. The same problems were still there. The same worn out girl still sat in the front driver seat exhausted and drained. But, HE reminded me that He was there. He reminded me that He cared, and for a few minutes on my drive home that night He painted a picture that He knew I would enjoy and find spectacular.
He knew exactly what I needed in that moment to take my mind off the week and took time out from running the universe to say I love you..... isn't it amazing to think that something that so many other people walk thru life never stopping to appreciate, made me stop in my tracks and take a nice long deep breath.
HE knew that.... and HE did that, because HE loves me and wanted to share that moment with me. Talk about goosebumps.....
This is what I saw.....
I wish I had a better camera.... This picture barely does it justice. The sunset was beautiful. The mountain backdrop was spectacular! I could not get over all the colors that I was easily able to see.
It was what I needed ..... not that a sunset made everything about that day or that week better. The same problems were still there. The same worn out girl still sat in the front driver seat exhausted and drained. But, HE reminded me that He was there. He reminded me that He cared, and for a few minutes on my drive home that night He painted a picture that He knew I would enjoy and find spectacular.
He knew exactly what I needed in that moment to take my mind off the week and took time out from running the universe to say I love you..... isn't it amazing to think that something that so many other people walk thru life never stopping to appreciate, made me stop in my tracks and take a nice long deep breath.
HE knew that.... and HE did that, because HE loves me and wanted to share that moment with me. Talk about goosebumps.....
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Its not mine to give...
As I sat across the table from my friend looking down at my slice of cheese pizza (YUMMY!) she asked me if I ever got tired of people using me. She is such a sweet and tender-hearted friend and truly one of the most amazing people I know. I love her ALOT! I think my response caught her a bit off-guard.
What I have is not mine. It doesn't belong to me. I am just the temporary holder of a lot of really amazing and terrific "stuff" that ultimately belongs to and comes from God. He gives and He takes away according to how He sees fit. My responsibility is simply to use the things that He has given me, including TIME, MONEY, HOME, CAR, COMPUTER, TALENTS.... everything for His glory.
God blesses me with an amazing life.... I am honestly not deserving of any of it. NONE! And, the way I look at it have to two responses to this amazing grace that God has shown me. I can either give what I have to give in hopes that it will honor God and encourage His people, or I can keep what I have for myself and miss out an amazing opportunity to show someone the Love of Christ.
As for how people receive this gift..... that is between them and God. If they are "using me" or taking advantage of something then that is for them to work out. Its not up to me to determine how they respond or react to the gifts God is choosing to bless them with. It is only my responsbility to give what I have all the time as a response to my wonderful Creator who has given me all I need and definitely more then I deserve.
That not to say that I don't get frustrated or hurt sometimes.... because, I do. However, that frustration and that hurt pales in comparison to the opportunity to say Thank You to my Lord and Savior for what He has done..... I will never be able to repay Him for what he has done but I am overwhelmed with a desire to live my life in a way that honors Him and shines His light into this world. Giving is one of the ways I can do that.....
Putting our "stuff" at the center of our lives or even going as far as to put "us" in the center of our life is such a mistake. This is not what God has designed or intended..... God is so much bigger then that. We cannot begin to understand all of who He is or what He has done, and yet, even in His greatness and in our selfishness, He continues to be crazy in love with each of us!
He constantly turns us away from the idea of 'i', 'mine', 'self' and gently turns us back towards Him.... that He could love us to much even after knowing every selfish desire and hidden intent.
"He Love Us. Oh how he loves us...."
What I have is not mine. It doesn't belong to me. I am just the temporary holder of a lot of really amazing and terrific "stuff" that ultimately belongs to and comes from God. He gives and He takes away according to how He sees fit. My responsibility is simply to use the things that He has given me, including TIME, MONEY, HOME, CAR, COMPUTER, TALENTS.... everything for His glory.
God blesses me with an amazing life.... I am honestly not deserving of any of it. NONE! And, the way I look at it have to two responses to this amazing grace that God has shown me. I can either give what I have to give in hopes that it will honor God and encourage His people, or I can keep what I have for myself and miss out an amazing opportunity to show someone the Love of Christ.
As for how people receive this gift..... that is between them and God. If they are "using me" or taking advantage of something then that is for them to work out. Its not up to me to determine how they respond or react to the gifts God is choosing to bless them with. It is only my responsbility to give what I have all the time as a response to my wonderful Creator who has given me all I need and definitely more then I deserve.
That not to say that I don't get frustrated or hurt sometimes.... because, I do. However, that frustration and that hurt pales in comparison to the opportunity to say Thank You to my Lord and Savior for what He has done..... I will never be able to repay Him for what he has done but I am overwhelmed with a desire to live my life in a way that honors Him and shines His light into this world. Giving is one of the ways I can do that.....
Putting our "stuff" at the center of our lives or even going as far as to put "us" in the center of our life is such a mistake. This is not what God has designed or intended..... God is so much bigger then that. We cannot begin to understand all of who He is or what He has done, and yet, even in His greatness and in our selfishness, He continues to be crazy in love with each of us!
He constantly turns us away from the idea of 'i', 'mine', 'self' and gently turns us back towards Him.... that He could love us to much even after knowing every selfish desire and hidden intent.
"He Love Us. Oh how he loves us...."
Monday, May 4, 2009
New Season....New Beginnings!
So summer is around the corner! I am excited about the possibilities of these warm months ahead and really looking forward to all that is happening. My calendar is already getting booked and there is more to come! My brother and his wife are pregnant with their first child (I am officially going to be and AUNT!!), my best friend is getting married and I am the maid of honor, I have three other friends getting married this summer and one friend who is pregnant. Add to that two graduations, a family vacation and some birthday celebrations and that makes for one GIANT summer of business and fun!! I am really excited about all the awesome things that are going on the lives of some amazing people. I could not be happier about all of it!
I am also keenly aware that its going to be easy for me to let time slip me by and to allow the big moments of summer keep me from challenging and pushing myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I definitely feel God working. I am starting some new things and changing some old things and each time I take a step further on this journey, I know that He is preparing me.
Let me update you on some newness in my life. I have a room-mate. She isn't really new but for whatever reason, I haven't written about her before! We get along GREAT. I was anxious and a little nervous to add someone to my personal space but its working out well and I am so glad that she is here. She moved in back in January. I have enjoyed our talks and all our silly girl stories. I love having her around :)
I made a change at my job. Still working for Progressive and still handling claims. I moved back into the branch and so my workload got a LOT EASIER and less stressful. I was nervous and reluctant to make the switch but its been such a blessing. God has really opened up some doors there in my office with my co-workers and I look forward to seeing them each day. The job is so much less stressful and time consuming and has really allowed me to share with them what it means to love Jesus and to encourage and talk to them about their own walk with God. They are awesome and amazing people and I am SOOOOO glad they are in my life for this season.
I think I have found a church to call home! For those of you who know me, this has been a HUGE struggle for me and I am SOOOOOOOO thankful that I am beginning to see an end to my search. I am beginning to get more involved and so far have loved meeting the people there. I even went to youth service on Wednesday and hung out with some of the kids. They are great and I am already excited about going back again next week. This new door that is opening is so full of promise and possibility and absolutely some of the BEST stuff that has happened to me lately.
I have successfully completed two classes towards my Masters In Religion Degree!! I am taking Distance Learning classes thru Liberty's Seminary and LOVING every second of it. Yes.... I occassionally complain about the ridiculous quizzes of random things, and the long papers I have to write and the hundreds of pages we are expected to read a week but I really am enjoying the classes. I am learning ALOT and so excited to see what doors will open because of that. I have two more classes this summer.... Evangelism and Theology. I am REALLY excited about Evan and REALLY nervous about Theo. haha....
Its so funny to me to consider what's going on in my life.... the ways that God is moving and working. If I am being completely honest, I will say that they are not necessarily the ways that I was hoping for or wanting for my life. In fact, some of those doors have shut and opportunities have passed completely. Some doors remain closed or even absent all together.
As I look forward in anticipation at all the things that are happening around me this summer, I don't want to get so focused on those things, that I fail to use this season to grow and challenge myself. With careful thought ant consideration, I am working on setting some goals for myself. Picking a few things that I can work on for me this summer that are going to move me in the direction that God desires.
Please pray for me that I will use discernment and wisdom when deciding what to focus on. Also pray that I would be honest enough with myself and God to reveal my true intentions and desires. I will leave you tonight with a phrase from a song that has truly become one of my favorites.
"All of my life, IN EVERY SEASON, You are still God and I have a reason to sing.... I have a reason to worhip." - Hillsong United
I am also keenly aware that its going to be easy for me to let time slip me by and to allow the big moments of summer keep me from challenging and pushing myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I definitely feel God working. I am starting some new things and changing some old things and each time I take a step further on this journey, I know that He is preparing me.
Let me update you on some newness in my life. I have a room-mate. She isn't really new but for whatever reason, I haven't written about her before! We get along GREAT. I was anxious and a little nervous to add someone to my personal space but its working out well and I am so glad that she is here. She moved in back in January. I have enjoyed our talks and all our silly girl stories. I love having her around :)
I made a change at my job. Still working for Progressive and still handling claims. I moved back into the branch and so my workload got a LOT EASIER and less stressful. I was nervous and reluctant to make the switch but its been such a blessing. God has really opened up some doors there in my office with my co-workers and I look forward to seeing them each day. The job is so much less stressful and time consuming and has really allowed me to share with them what it means to love Jesus and to encourage and talk to them about their own walk with God. They are awesome and amazing people and I am SOOOOO glad they are in my life for this season.
I think I have found a church to call home! For those of you who know me, this has been a HUGE struggle for me and I am SOOOOOOOO thankful that I am beginning to see an end to my search. I am beginning to get more involved and so far have loved meeting the people there. I even went to youth service on Wednesday and hung out with some of the kids. They are great and I am already excited about going back again next week. This new door that is opening is so full of promise and possibility and absolutely some of the BEST stuff that has happened to me lately.
I have successfully completed two classes towards my Masters In Religion Degree!! I am taking Distance Learning classes thru Liberty's Seminary and LOVING every second of it. Yes.... I occassionally complain about the ridiculous quizzes of random things, and the long papers I have to write and the hundreds of pages we are expected to read a week but I really am enjoying the classes. I am learning ALOT and so excited to see what doors will open because of that. I have two more classes this summer.... Evangelism and Theology. I am REALLY excited about Evan and REALLY nervous about Theo. haha....
Its so funny to me to consider what's going on in my life.... the ways that God is moving and working. If I am being completely honest, I will say that they are not necessarily the ways that I was hoping for or wanting for my life. In fact, some of those doors have shut and opportunities have passed completely. Some doors remain closed or even absent all together.
As I look forward in anticipation at all the things that are happening around me this summer, I don't want to get so focused on those things, that I fail to use this season to grow and challenge myself. With careful thought ant consideration, I am working on setting some goals for myself. Picking a few things that I can work on for me this summer that are going to move me in the direction that God desires.
Please pray for me that I will use discernment and wisdom when deciding what to focus on. Also pray that I would be honest enough with myself and God to reveal my true intentions and desires. I will leave you tonight with a phrase from a song that has truly become one of my favorites.
"All of my life, IN EVERY SEASON, You are still God and I have a reason to sing.... I have a reason to worhip." - Hillsong United
Friday, March 20, 2009
my answer is YES!
As kids, my brother and I would ask my mom some of the silliest questions ... and it was never ending! We would want to know what we were having for dinner, if dad was coming home soon, if we could go to the movies, when we were leaving, if our uniforms were clean... The questions never ended! Depending on my mom's mood, we always got a variety of answers. Sometimes she would answer sarcastically, sometimes sincerely and other times she would just give us the "mom look" (you know what I am talking about - haha). If you happened to catch her in a sarcastic mood, her favorite response was "Sorry, my crystal ball is in the shop!" Oh man, I use to get so frustrated with her when she said that to me .... all I wanted was a simple answer!
When I spend time talking to God, I find myself asking a lot questions ... God what do you want? How do I love him? What does this mean? How can I help them? Why is mom struggling? When is going to be my turn? Oh, how nice it would be to get a text message from God with the answers to my many many questions! I would settle for an email or a wall post even. :) Man, I really wish that crystal ball would fix itself ... I could really use it sometimes!
It never occurred to me that God may be asking me a question too .... God wants to know my response. He wants me to answer YES even before I know His response.
When I spend time talking to God, I find myself asking a lot questions ... God what do you want? How do I love him? What does this mean? How can I help them? Why is mom struggling? When is going to be my turn? Oh, how nice it would be to get a text message from God with the answers to my many many questions! I would settle for an email or a wall post even. :) Man, I really wish that crystal ball would fix itself ... I could really use it sometimes!
It never occurred to me that God may be asking me a question too .... God wants to know my response. He wants me to answer YES even before I know His response.
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
- Hebrews 11:8
Did you catch that? Abraham obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going!! WOW. Abraham's response was YES because of his faith and his devotion to the Lord.
Its easy to say that ... its easy to sit around the dining room table and talk about this. But truly believing it to the point of LIVING like this is something different. God is asking a question .... will you follow Me and have faith in Me even when you don't know where you are going or what you are doing?
I say that my answer is YES ... but do I live like my answer is YES?
I want that kind of faith.... a faith like Abrahams. To say YES I will follow even when I don't know where that is or what that looks like. A life that is living for an audience of One ....
Who is willing to let go of any dream or any path if God's plan is different. Surrendering my way to His .... not asking Why or When or How or What but simply responding with a YES
This is my prayer.
This is my desire.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
2800 miles, 5 states, 3 families, 5 friends and LOTS of memories
I am on top of the world right now.... no seriously, I haven't felt this good in a LONG time!
Just got back from amazing week in Florida. There with 4 of my favorites and seriously had an amazing time! Every day was filled with sun, flip-flops, water and laughs. Memories are priceless and this trip is full of them! We did a ton and had a great time ... all in all we drove about 2,800 miles, visited 5 different states, stayed with 3 different families, visited 2 amazing beaches, and have a million awesome memories.
Here are some of the highlights of this amazing trip!
1) Celebrating Mrs. Wofford's birthday in Applebees with dancing flamingo cards!
2) Hours of singing in the car
3) Almost mastering the Rubik's Cube! (I am SO close!!)
4) Caleb getting stuck in a KIDdie float... check out facebook. FUNNY stuff!
5) Line dancing and two stepping!
6) Afternoons of bike rides and shuffle board with daddy and Pop-Pop.
7) Pop-Pop leaving dad at the restaurant after breakfast! HAHA. Mom and I thought this
was hilarious!
8) Trip to Waffle House with old friends.
9) Spending the day with the Richards at the beach.
10)Roast Beef Dinner with the Woffords .... LOVE THIS FAMILY!
11) LOTS and LOTS of Bang! (its a card game...)
12) A few rounds of Spades (ALWAYS!)
13) Southern Accents! God blesses me.... oh my sweet AG!
14) Searching for sand dollars .... no luck unfortunately.
15) COLORING! -- Even Caleb picked a picture. :)
16) Getting to visit with the Woffords, Amber and Allison .... Idol talk, surgery photos
(GROSS!) and some worship... :)
Had a GREAT time ... relaxed and just enjoyed the moments that God gave. It was an amazing trip that made me thankful for the awesome people that I have in my life .... old and new!
Good times. Cant wait for next time ...!!!
1) Celebrating Mrs. Wofford's birthday in Applebees with dancing flamingo cards!
2) Hours of singing in the car
3) Almost mastering the Rubik's Cube! (I am SO close!!)
4) Caleb getting stuck in a KIDdie float... check out facebook. FUNNY stuff!
5) Line dancing and two stepping!
6) Afternoons of bike rides and shuffle board with daddy and Pop-Pop.
7) Pop-Pop leaving dad at the restaurant after breakfast! HAHA. Mom and I thought this
was hilarious!
8) Trip to Waffle House with old friends.
9) Spending the day with the Richards at the beach.
10)Roast Beef Dinner with the Woffords .... LOVE THIS FAMILY!
11) LOTS and LOTS of Bang! (its a card game...)
12) A few rounds of Spades (ALWAYS!)
13) Southern Accents! God blesses me.... oh my sweet AG!
14) Searching for sand dollars .... no luck unfortunately.
15) COLORING! -- Even Caleb picked a picture. :)
16) Getting to visit with the Woffords, Amber and Allison .... Idol talk, surgery photos
(GROSS!) and some worship... :)
Had a GREAT time ... relaxed and just enjoyed the moments that God gave. It was an amazing trip that made me thankful for the awesome people that I have in my life .... old and new!
Good times. Cant wait for next time ...!!!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Kisses! lots and lots of kisses
Last weekend I headed north to see my cousin Jen and her husband JR. I absolutely love them and their family. 8 months ago they had a baby boy Tyler who is so cute and so precious! Its been a rough 8 months for them....adjusting to the demand of a child and all the responsibility and joy that brings. Trying to find a balance between work, home, wife, husband, mom, dad, friend, daughter, sister, brother, son is alot and at the end of the day there just doesn't seem to be enough time to fit it all in.
I had an amazing weekend with the three of them..... It was so nice because my time was "normal." There was not a ton of people around. There were no parties or celebrations to be had. Instead we were just hanging out like friends hang out and I loved EVERY second of it!
Tyler is getting SOOOO BIG! He is learning more and more each day! It amazes me how alert he was and how much he was interacting with the people around him. He loves mirrors and looking at himself in the mirror. They have a floor to ceiling wall mirror in their master bedroom closet and that has become his new favorite hang-out spot! His laughs and giggles fill that house as he catches a glimpse of himself in the glass.
Bath-time with an 8 month old is interesting! Had I known I was going swimming I would have come prepared. Haha. I think that there was more water on me then in the tub! We played with alphabet letters and rubbie duckies. Bath time was lots of fun!
Baby Einstein is amazing! Ty and I watched a video on sign language where they are teaching kids to communite with their parents and their teachers. Its incredible what kids pick up on. He was so into it! At one point, daddy walked in front of the TV only to be startled by a shrill scream from Ty to make it known that he could not see and was not happy about it! His Einstein videos are one of his favorite times of the day.....
We played with LOTS of toys and had some story time. It was an incredible weekend! My favorite moment with Tyler was when I was getting ready to leave. I was holding him and telling him good-bye. I was giving him lots and lots of love with hugs and kisses all over and when I was done he reached out to me and gave me baby kisses back. And not just one baby kiss but lots and lots of baby kisses!!!! He turned his head from side to side and was giving me just as many kisses as I had given him. When he was done, I gave him more and then he gave me more and it was just the cutest thing! He also leaned in and gave me a hug before I let go one final time!
In that moment, I don't think I was capable of loving anyone or anything as much as him and that special time together! I miss him already and I am SO ready to go back and see him again!!!!
Thank you God for family and all the blessings that comes with! I am grateful for baby kisses and hugs and the special memories that I was able to create with Tyler this weekend. God protect him from the dangers of this world. Give Jen and JR the wisdom and encouragement they need. I pray that as they continue to develop and grow their family that their trust and their relationship with You deepens. I pray that as Tyler grows into a young boy that he develops his own relationship with You. I am excited to be a part of his journey and his story and pray that my life and my character may be an example that leads him to You. Thank you for this miracle and all the joy it brings to so many! I love you - Amen.
I had an amazing weekend with the three of them..... It was so nice because my time was "normal." There was not a ton of people around. There were no parties or celebrations to be had. Instead we were just hanging out like friends hang out and I loved EVERY second of it!
Tyler is getting SOOOO BIG! He is learning more and more each day! It amazes me how alert he was and how much he was interacting with the people around him. He loves mirrors and looking at himself in the mirror. They have a floor to ceiling wall mirror in their master bedroom closet and that has become his new favorite hang-out spot! His laughs and giggles fill that house as he catches a glimpse of himself in the glass.
Bath-time with an 8 month old is interesting! Had I known I was going swimming I would have come prepared. Haha. I think that there was more water on me then in the tub! We played with alphabet letters and rubbie duckies. Bath time was lots of fun!
Baby Einstein is amazing! Ty and I watched a video on sign language where they are teaching kids to communite with their parents and their teachers. Its incredible what kids pick up on. He was so into it! At one point, daddy walked in front of the TV only to be startled by a shrill scream from Ty to make it known that he could not see and was not happy about it! His Einstein videos are one of his favorite times of the day.....
We played with LOTS of toys and had some story time. It was an incredible weekend! My favorite moment with Tyler was when I was getting ready to leave. I was holding him and telling him good-bye. I was giving him lots and lots of love with hugs and kisses all over and when I was done he reached out to me and gave me baby kisses back. And not just one baby kiss but lots and lots of baby kisses!!!! He turned his head from side to side and was giving me just as many kisses as I had given him. When he was done, I gave him more and then he gave me more and it was just the cutest thing! He also leaned in and gave me a hug before I let go one final time!
In that moment, I don't think I was capable of loving anyone or anything as much as him and that special time together! I miss him already and I am SO ready to go back and see him again!!!!
Thank you God for family and all the blessings that comes with! I am grateful for baby kisses and hugs and the special memories that I was able to create with Tyler this weekend. God protect him from the dangers of this world. Give Jen and JR the wisdom and encouragement they need. I pray that as they continue to develop and grow their family that their trust and their relationship with You deepens. I pray that as Tyler grows into a young boy that he develops his own relationship with You. I am excited to be a part of his journey and his story and pray that my life and my character may be an example that leads him to You. Thank you for this miracle and all the joy it brings to so many! I love you - Amen.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Underwear
I volunteer at my church for a children's program.
The first Saturday of every month we have SOUL STATION!
For those of you who don't know about SOUL STATION it is an amazing and wonderful program designed for children from Preschool thru 6th grade. It includes singing, dancing, skits, Bible stories and lots of lights and color and loud music! The kids absolutely LOVE soul station and look forward to it SOOOOOO much. They get so excited and are just running and jumping and singing and dancing as they come into the church.
That's where I come in....
I help set up before and tear down after but my FAVORITE part of Soul Station is getting to greet the kids and families as they come into the church. Their enthusiasm is just contagious! They are so happy to be there. I had a little one who could not habe been more then 15 or 16 months old tell me he was happy to be at OUL ACION this past weekend. :)
My favorite greeting this month was from a little boy who came bouncing around the corner with all the energy in the world. He gave me a big high five and I said to him that I was glad he was here to play and have fun with us. As he ran past me in some FIERCE excitement he shouted with pride, "I remembered to put my underwear on today!" as he pointed to his pants.
Oh, man! Life doesn't get much better. :)
The first Saturday of every month we have SOUL STATION!
For those of you who don't know about SOUL STATION it is an amazing and wonderful program designed for children from Preschool thru 6th grade. It includes singing, dancing, skits, Bible stories and lots of lights and color and loud music! The kids absolutely LOVE soul station and look forward to it SOOOOOO much. They get so excited and are just running and jumping and singing and dancing as they come into the church.
That's where I come in....
I help set up before and tear down after but my FAVORITE part of Soul Station is getting to greet the kids and families as they come into the church. Their enthusiasm is just contagious! They are so happy to be there. I had a little one who could not habe been more then 15 or 16 months old tell me he was happy to be at OUL ACION this past weekend. :)
My favorite greeting this month was from a little boy who came bouncing around the corner with all the energy in the world. He gave me a big high five and I said to him that I was glad he was here to play and have fun with us. As he ran past me in some FIERCE excitement he shouted with pride, "I remembered to put my underwear on today!" as he pointed to his pants.
Oh, man! Life doesn't get much better. :)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
E-M-P-T-Y
"I must be made empty so that HE can fill me up again"
The words to this song became so real to me tonight...
God, I know that you are working in my life.
That process is so painful sometimes.
My stubborness can get in the way of what You are trying to do. God I also know that there are just some things that I have been unwilling to let go off.
I know that I must be willing to sacrifice even what I think I might want to make room for what You have.
I can not get bogged down in what could be or what mught have been. No matter the pain and No matter how difficult I will do whatever it takes to come face to face with emptiness and face to face with pain so that every last bit of who I am can be let go of.
I understand I have to give it up so that I can be filled up with the blessings you have in store. God, I know I am almost there. I know that I have the given up ALOT of things. Some of them have even been really hard to let go of. I also know that the most difficult part is still to come. It would be so easy to just let it stay there.... It would be so easy to just make a list of all the reasons that it can stay. But if I leave it there, I also know that I am not giving You complete control. I am choosing to not let You have control. I am not leaving you with the most room to fill me up again in order to be the best version of me that is possible.
I have to let it go. I do not know how to do that. I have given it to You over and over and yet continue to pick it up and carry it again. I want to be empty. I am ready to go there with You. I will give up whatever is necessary to make sure that I am growing into the best version of me. The me that you have designed. Help me God become empty so that I can be filled again!
I am ready to make the room!
The words to this song became so real to me tonight...
God, I know that you are working in my life.
That process is so painful sometimes.
My stubborness can get in the way of what You are trying to do. God I also know that there are just some things that I have been unwilling to let go off.
I know that I must be willing to sacrifice even what I think I might want to make room for what You have.
I can not get bogged down in what could be or what mught have been. No matter the pain and No matter how difficult I will do whatever it takes to come face to face with emptiness and face to face with pain so that every last bit of who I am can be let go of.
I understand I have to give it up so that I can be filled up with the blessings you have in store. God, I know I am almost there. I know that I have the given up ALOT of things. Some of them have even been really hard to let go of. I also know that the most difficult part is still to come. It would be so easy to just let it stay there.... It would be so easy to just make a list of all the reasons that it can stay. But if I leave it there, I also know that I am not giving You complete control. I am choosing to not let You have control. I am not leaving you with the most room to fill me up again in order to be the best version of me that is possible.
I have to let it go. I do not know how to do that. I have given it to You over and over and yet continue to pick it up and carry it again. I want to be empty. I am ready to go there with You. I will give up whatever is necessary to make sure that I am growing into the best version of me. The me that you have designed. Help me God become empty so that I can be filled again!
I am ready to make the room!
Fierce Determination....
I have good intentions God.
I want to do the right thing,
live the right way,
say and pray the right things.
I want to be strong enough to not let this bother me...
I also am keenly aware that this is a battle that I cannot win in my own strength. Its a daily fight and daily struggles. All of my fears and insecurities rise inside me and try to rob me of Your presence and Your love.
My determination to rise above it and move past it has never been stronger then in this moment.
I know that it is a daily surrender right now.
Making the choice in every instance and in every moment to put my trust in You.
I really want to live and love like that....
Not being held back by fear or hurt or disappointment
I have all the tools that I need to overcome and move on ....
All is need is in You.
If I know that and believe that then WHY is it so difficult to live like that?
God, YOU are what I want.
Nothing can be a substitute...
Nothing can fill my life, soul and my heart... but YOU
Help me God. I can not do it alone.
I want to do the right thing,
live the right way,
say and pray the right things.
I want to be strong enough to not let this bother me...
I also am keenly aware that this is a battle that I cannot win in my own strength. Its a daily fight and daily struggles. All of my fears and insecurities rise inside me and try to rob me of Your presence and Your love.
My determination to rise above it and move past it has never been stronger then in this moment.
I know that it is a daily surrender right now.
Making the choice in every instance and in every moment to put my trust in You.
I really want to live and love like that....
Not being held back by fear or hurt or disappointment
I have all the tools that I need to overcome and move on ....
All is need is in You.
If I know that and believe that then WHY is it so difficult to live like that?
God, YOU are what I want.
Nothing can be a substitute...
Nothing can fill my life, soul and my heart... but YOU
Help me God. I can not do it alone.
Monday, December 15, 2008
i dont wanna be funny
A friend of mine has three children.
He has two boys and a little girl.
His little girl will be 4 in January and definitely is a daddy's girl!
Today he came in and shared a story with me about a conversation he had with them over the weekend. The kids wanted to know why he married their mom. He responded with a list of qualities that he saw in his wife .... "she is pretty", "she is funny" etc. etc.
As each child took turns sharing and it was finally his little girl's turn.
My friend, looked lovingly at his daughter and told her that she was funny.
His little girl looked at him and said with certainty and force
"I don't wanna be funny daddy.... I wanna be pretty!" -- hahaha
He has two boys and a little girl.
His little girl will be 4 in January and definitely is a daddy's girl!
Today he came in and shared a story with me about a conversation he had with them over the weekend. The kids wanted to know why he married their mom. He responded with a list of qualities that he saw in his wife .... "she is pretty", "she is funny" etc. etc.
As each child took turns sharing and it was finally his little girl's turn.
My friend, looked lovingly at his daughter and told her that she was funny.
His little girl looked at him and said with certainty and force
"I don't wanna be funny daddy.... I wanna be pretty!" -- hahaha
Thursday, December 4, 2008
enjoyment.
So God has been working in my life and in my journey to really show, teach and remind me how important it is to ENJOY my life. I know.... it sounds a little childish and elementary but there are some amazing lessons to learn. Let me explain.....
Each person here has been given a responsibility and a life that is unique to them and their skills. God purposelly created us to be unique individuals with different passions and different dreams and special talents. So knowing that and keeping that in mind, enjoyment is not only OK with God it is what He had in mind!!
That doesn't mean that we will not suffer hard times or have periods of lonliness or grief or sadness. The Bible teaches us that we will indeed face suffering and trials. True, authentic joy can be found only in an intentional relationship with God. Then the joy is complete regardless of the circumstances. It is bigger then the problems and triumphs of this world.
So many perople wait for our dreams to bring joy but God is teaching me that joy is what brings me to my dreams. We keep waiting for something to happen and a reason to be happy. Joy is not a supplement to life; it is an essential. It is not something that you receive when the circumstances change but rather it is what changes the circumstances!
Think for a second about the glass half empty/half full debate. The idea goes something like this: if the glass is half full then you are an optimist and if the glass is half empty you are a pessimist. I would like to challenge you for a second to consider that you were not created to be a pessimist.... that is NOT what God had in mind. Instead, the events of your life and the dissapointments along your journey have led you to a point of pessimism.
What would happen if we all practiced being astonished by life? What would happen if we purposefully looked for the beauty that is around us everyday? The point is that we have to practice seeing the beauty in the everyday areas of life.... in the trials, in the triumphs, at every peak and in every valley. When we take a moment everyday to be breathless before God for the beauty that surrounds us we begin to form a habit of gratitude and enjoyment that is contagious and positive. Eventually, we will get to a point where we begin to wonder how we never saw the beauty to begin with.
Its here. Its all around us. If we are able to tap into the joy that rests in Christ then we can truly ENJOY the life that He has designed for us. Dare to be breathless!!
Each person here has been given a responsibility and a life that is unique to them and their skills. God purposelly created us to be unique individuals with different passions and different dreams and special talents. So knowing that and keeping that in mind, enjoyment is not only OK with God it is what He had in mind!!
That doesn't mean that we will not suffer hard times or have periods of lonliness or grief or sadness. The Bible teaches us that we will indeed face suffering and trials. True, authentic joy can be found only in an intentional relationship with God. Then the joy is complete regardless of the circumstances. It is bigger then the problems and triumphs of this world.
So many perople wait for our dreams to bring joy but God is teaching me that joy is what brings me to my dreams. We keep waiting for something to happen and a reason to be happy. Joy is not a supplement to life; it is an essential. It is not something that you receive when the circumstances change but rather it is what changes the circumstances!
Think for a second about the glass half empty/half full debate. The idea goes something like this: if the glass is half full then you are an optimist and if the glass is half empty you are a pessimist. I would like to challenge you for a second to consider that you were not created to be a pessimist.... that is NOT what God had in mind. Instead, the events of your life and the dissapointments along your journey have led you to a point of pessimism.
What would happen if we all practiced being astonished by life? What would happen if we purposefully looked for the beauty that is around us everyday? The point is that we have to practice seeing the beauty in the everyday areas of life.... in the trials, in the triumphs, at every peak and in every valley. When we take a moment everyday to be breathless before God for the beauty that surrounds us we begin to form a habit of gratitude and enjoyment that is contagious and positive. Eventually, we will get to a point where we begin to wonder how we never saw the beauty to begin with.
Its here. Its all around us. If we are able to tap into the joy that rests in Christ then we can truly ENJOY the life that He has designed for us. Dare to be breathless!!
Monday, November 24, 2008
its just better as a kid!
This past weekend I was reminded at just how awesome and amazing kids can be.
Friday night I became an 8 year old girl consumed with games of twister, ice cream cake, pillow fights, and fun sleepovers. All the worries of money, economy, life disappeared and suddenly the biggest decision I had to make was what pajamas I was going to wear and whether or not my Hannah Montana dance moves would earn me 5 stars!! (by the way, we played until 2 a.m. !!!!)
Conversations about school and birthdays and games lingered long after the girls fell asleep and reminded me that God is glorified in laughter and silly games.
Saturday afternoon my friend and I took two little ones downtown to Amazement Square. Its a hands on children's museum and quite frankly one of the coolest spots in Lynchburg. As we explored the 4 floors of fun and science I was suddenly a child again learning about music as we played the drums, the heart as we traveled the same path as our blood, indians as we looked for fossils and spent time in an indian hut, hunting as we felt the furs of beavers and rabbits and deers. Fun slides and zip lines were mixed in and made for one AMAZING afternoon! As I watched the kids run from one floor to the next, I was reminded that God is glorified when we learn and explore the world that He has created for us.
There is nothing like dropping the kids off at the house and them NOT wanting you to leave. The night began with games of guitar hero (I ROCK AT THIS GAME!!) and rounds of hangman. A few games of Twister and some pizza were included to make a good night even better. As I helped put the kids to bed that night, I learned about crocodiles and alligators as a soon to be 8 year old read me a bedtime story. Our night closed with bedtime prayers and extra hugs and kisses. As I pulled her door shut I lingered just a few extra seconds and watched her fall asleep. Her face looked so peaceful next to her pink pillow and pink bedspread and fluffy rabbit. I could almost hear her giggles and see her smiles. As I finally convinced myself to shut the door I was reminded that God is glorified with we take the time to kneel and pray and thank him for our friends and family.
I didn't get any cleaning done this weekend. My dishes are still dirty, my towels are the same ones I used last week, my sheets haven't been changed and my laundry is still piled up in the basket BUT my heart is reminded that God loves me and will use whatever He has to get my attention and remind me how much He loves and cares about me.
Friday night I became an 8 year old girl consumed with games of twister, ice cream cake, pillow fights, and fun sleepovers. All the worries of money, economy, life disappeared and suddenly the biggest decision I had to make was what pajamas I was going to wear and whether or not my Hannah Montana dance moves would earn me 5 stars!! (by the way, we played until 2 a.m. !!!!)
Conversations about school and birthdays and games lingered long after the girls fell asleep and reminded me that God is glorified in laughter and silly games.
Saturday afternoon my friend and I took two little ones downtown to Amazement Square. Its a hands on children's museum and quite frankly one of the coolest spots in Lynchburg. As we explored the 4 floors of fun and science I was suddenly a child again learning about music as we played the drums, the heart as we traveled the same path as our blood, indians as we looked for fossils and spent time in an indian hut, hunting as we felt the furs of beavers and rabbits and deers. Fun slides and zip lines were mixed in and made for one AMAZING afternoon! As I watched the kids run from one floor to the next, I was reminded that God is glorified when we learn and explore the world that He has created for us.
There is nothing like dropping the kids off at the house and them NOT wanting you to leave. The night began with games of guitar hero (I ROCK AT THIS GAME!!) and rounds of hangman. A few games of Twister and some pizza were included to make a good night even better. As I helped put the kids to bed that night, I learned about crocodiles and alligators as a soon to be 8 year old read me a bedtime story. Our night closed with bedtime prayers and extra hugs and kisses. As I pulled her door shut I lingered just a few extra seconds and watched her fall asleep. Her face looked so peaceful next to her pink pillow and pink bedspread and fluffy rabbit. I could almost hear her giggles and see her smiles. As I finally convinced myself to shut the door I was reminded that God is glorified with we take the time to kneel and pray and thank him for our friends and family.
I didn't get any cleaning done this weekend. My dishes are still dirty, my towels are the same ones I used last week, my sheets haven't been changed and my laundry is still piled up in the basket BUT my heart is reminded that God loves me and will use whatever He has to get my attention and remind me how much He loves and cares about me.
"Who knows how
He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove
He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Expectations.
"Pray for us, too, that God will give us many opportunities to speak about his mysterious plan concerning Christ. That is why I am here in
chains" (Colossians 4:3, NLT).
chains" (Colossians 4:3, NLT).
Paul was in prision as he wrote these words! His surroundings and his circumstances were dismal. I don't think many of us would argue that if he threw in the towel, he gave up to easily. His surroundings were anything but ideal, his circumstances anything but easy. Doors were closing all around him. There certainly appeared to be "limitations" to his mission and his purpose. But Paul didn't see it like that. Instead he remain focued on a God that is limitless.
This verse really challenges me. So often in my life when things are not going according to plan or get really difficult, I want to throw in the towel, stop taking the risks, quit making myself vunerable and become a recluse in my safe little world. I fail too often in recognizing the power that is God. He promises to walk with me and sends the Holy Spirit to be with me. Those feelings to shut down and become cut off from sharing and investing with others are not from God. He is still there and He is still working in my life.
I think that part of this problem comes from an issue of expectations. I expect to much of people and surroundings and don't expect enough of God. There is a dream in my heart that He has planted there and no matter how many times I fall or get hurt or burned I have to keep expecting and keep believing that He is opening doors of opportunity to share the Gospel with other people. It is my responsibility as a servant of Christ to create those opportunities and live expecting Him to not fail me.
The issue of expectations is not an easy one to overcome for me but it is necessary if I want to become the person that God desires. All I have and all I need comes from God. Not from people, or places or things but HIM.
What would happen if we not only believed that but if we all lived that truth?
Worth the Trip.....
So this weekend I went to the Southern Living Christmas Show with 7 other women!
It involved a 4 hour car ride down, upteen hours walking around in a crowded civic center, snoring sleepers, suitcase survival, and mall sprints. I should also let you know that in the last two and half years my desire to shop has dwindled to a minute nothing so this was not the ideal way to spend my weekend. In fact, I was joking with some friends that I was going to skip the show and go down the street to watch the Saturday College Football games! (GO HOKIES!) I wanted to spend time with the people but didn't necessarily want to shop for 10 hours.
But, God had a plan for this weekend and the results were amazing! I was set to drive my SUV down with my mom and aunt. We had to take more then one vehicle because of the number of people going. As the date approached, I grew completely dissatisfied with this plan and didn't want to drive .... AT ALL! I also didn't want to complain or speak up against the decision we had previously made, but in the end one of the young girls that was going decided she wanted to drive instead. I offered to ride down with her and keep her company instead of riding with the older crowd.
It was early Saturday morning when we left. I was suppose to get up at 5:15 and instead slept thru my alarm and woke up paniced that I was going to cause the group to be late! In a matter of 20 minutes I walked the dog, showered, dressed, packed, did my hair and wrote a note to the dog sitter. I was ready to go at 6:05 am when Mari pulled up out front. Our trip started with music and talks about her upcoming wedding. She was filling me in on her ideas and her plans.
Suddenly, a door opened. I am not even sure how it started or what she said but all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of a beautiful conversation about Jesus and the amazing gift of salvation. For the next 90 minutes we talked about salvation, good works, baptism, committment, obedience, church and christians. Her honesty was refreshing and real. She made no apologies for what she said or her lack of understanding. She asked questions and shared experiences. Her understanding was so mature and simple.
She wanted to know and learn and grow. She was interested in understanding and in sharing. I cherished every moment of that conversation and pray that I will have the opportunity to talk to her again. I am SO thankful she is walking away with the understanding that Salvation has nothing to do with how perfect we are or how much good or bad we have done in this world. It has everything to do with the cross and love of Jesus Christ. Its not about perfection but about honesty and committment. She no longer thinks baptism is the equivalent of Salvation but an act of obedience to the Lord's commands and has a firm understanding that Salvation is deeper then the goosebumps and emotion of the moment but is one of committment and relationship.
She isn't saved .... and isn't ready yet to make that decision in her life. I will pray for her and salvation. I pray that her heart would heal from past bad experiences. I pray that God would continue to place people in her life that would be bold in sharing their testimonies and in sharing the Gospel with her. I will thank God for the opportunity to make a difference in her life and pray for more opportunities to share with her and with her family.
As we settled back into our conversation of music and weddings and life, I couldn't help but close my eyes and thank God for helping me be aware of the opportunity to share my faith and my Savior with a child He loves and longs to be in relationship with.
Well worth the trip..... I thought as a smile crossed my face and a peace settled in my soul.
It involved a 4 hour car ride down, upteen hours walking around in a crowded civic center, snoring sleepers, suitcase survival, and mall sprints. I should also let you know that in the last two and half years my desire to shop has dwindled to a minute nothing so this was not the ideal way to spend my weekend. In fact, I was joking with some friends that I was going to skip the show and go down the street to watch the Saturday College Football games! (GO HOKIES!) I wanted to spend time with the people but didn't necessarily want to shop for 10 hours.
But, God had a plan for this weekend and the results were amazing! I was set to drive my SUV down with my mom and aunt. We had to take more then one vehicle because of the number of people going. As the date approached, I grew completely dissatisfied with this plan and didn't want to drive .... AT ALL! I also didn't want to complain or speak up against the decision we had previously made, but in the end one of the young girls that was going decided she wanted to drive instead. I offered to ride down with her and keep her company instead of riding with the older crowd.
It was early Saturday morning when we left. I was suppose to get up at 5:15 and instead slept thru my alarm and woke up paniced that I was going to cause the group to be late! In a matter of 20 minutes I walked the dog, showered, dressed, packed, did my hair and wrote a note to the dog sitter. I was ready to go at 6:05 am when Mari pulled up out front. Our trip started with music and talks about her upcoming wedding. She was filling me in on her ideas and her plans.
Suddenly, a door opened. I am not even sure how it started or what she said but all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of a beautiful conversation about Jesus and the amazing gift of salvation. For the next 90 minutes we talked about salvation, good works, baptism, committment, obedience, church and christians. Her honesty was refreshing and real. She made no apologies for what she said or her lack of understanding. She asked questions and shared experiences. Her understanding was so mature and simple.
She wanted to know and learn and grow. She was interested in understanding and in sharing. I cherished every moment of that conversation and pray that I will have the opportunity to talk to her again. I am SO thankful she is walking away with the understanding that Salvation has nothing to do with how perfect we are or how much good or bad we have done in this world. It has everything to do with the cross and love of Jesus Christ. Its not about perfection but about honesty and committment. She no longer thinks baptism is the equivalent of Salvation but an act of obedience to the Lord's commands and has a firm understanding that Salvation is deeper then the goosebumps and emotion of the moment but is one of committment and relationship.
She isn't saved .... and isn't ready yet to make that decision in her life. I will pray for her and salvation. I pray that her heart would heal from past bad experiences. I pray that God would continue to place people in her life that would be bold in sharing their testimonies and in sharing the Gospel with her. I will thank God for the opportunity to make a difference in her life and pray for more opportunities to share with her and with her family.
As we settled back into our conversation of music and weddings and life, I couldn't help but close my eyes and thank God for helping me be aware of the opportunity to share my faith and my Savior with a child He loves and longs to be in relationship with.
Well worth the trip..... I thought as a smile crossed my face and a peace settled in my soul.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Mom hang on a second....
My co-worker has three children. She got a phone call from her middle child the other day pleading with her about going to get her back-pack. He appearantly left it at home. As she discussed the situation with her son, he put her on hold!
As she sat waiting for him to return to the phone she realized that he put her on hold to say the Pledge of Allegiance! (HOW FUNNY!) When he returned to the phone, mom asked the most important question: "How are you calling me?" The response made me chuckle..... "Mom, Im using my teacher's cell phone."
Afterwards, the conversation continued. As it came to a close, my co-worker said "I have a job so you and your brother and sister can eat. I can't go get your back pack."
Something about this conversation makes me laugh at the perspective of life from a child's perspective and a parent's perspective. I am grateful for the reminders we have and the joys we are a part of ..... like a phone conversation between a son and a mom.
As she sat waiting for him to return to the phone she realized that he put her on hold to say the Pledge of Allegiance! (HOW FUNNY!) When he returned to the phone, mom asked the most important question: "How are you calling me?" The response made me chuckle..... "Mom, Im using my teacher's cell phone."
Afterwards, the conversation continued. As it came to a close, my co-worker said "I have a job so you and your brother and sister can eat. I can't go get your back pack."
Something about this conversation makes me laugh at the perspective of life from a child's perspective and a parent's perspective. I am grateful for the reminders we have and the joys we are a part of ..... like a phone conversation between a son and a mom.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"Ill pray for you"
My friend had a birthday today. I called and sang Happy Birthday to her. We chatted for a bit and at the end of the conversation I said "Happy Birthday Em." Without skipping a beat she responded "Happy Birthday to you too" Of course its not my birthday. I don't celebrate for a few more months but without even realizing what she was saying out it came. We laughed for a few minutes at the silliness of our conversation.
As I hung up, I began to think of the many program responses we have. Here are just a few.
" Have a good day" Response: "You too"
" I love you" Response: "I love you too"
I immediately began to think about the times when something happens in someone's life like a death of a family member or a serious illness. Perhaps they just got bad news about their job or their house or their child. So many people say "I'll pray for you" or "You are in my prayers"
How many times has someone shared with us an event or an experience or news with us and our immediate response is "Ill pray for you" and how many times are we actually intentional about following thru and praying for that person or that situation.
Why do we have that program response? What is it about ourselves or our discipline that makes it difficult to control what we say or when we say it? Why do we feel guilty when our response is not the norm or the everday answer?
What would happen if we actually DID pray for the people and situations that we said we would?
Even if the outcome was still not ideal .... even if the end result was still the same the Bible teaches us that God listens to us and delights when we take that time to spend with Him.
Who knew that a simple Birthday conversation would open up a door for God to remind me to follow thru with the prayer requests of others. If I say that I am going to pray, then I need to pray and leave the outcome and the results to God.
As I hung up, I began to think of the many program responses we have. Here are just a few.
" Have a good day" Response: "You too"
" I love you" Response: "I love you too"
I immediately began to think about the times when something happens in someone's life like a death of a family member or a serious illness. Perhaps they just got bad news about their job or their house or their child. So many people say "I'll pray for you" or "You are in my prayers"
How many times has someone shared with us an event or an experience or news with us and our immediate response is "Ill pray for you" and how many times are we actually intentional about following thru and praying for that person or that situation.
Why do we have that program response? What is it about ourselves or our discipline that makes it difficult to control what we say or when we say it? Why do we feel guilty when our response is not the norm or the everday answer?
What would happen if we actually DID pray for the people and situations that we said we would?
Even if the outcome was still not ideal .... even if the end result was still the same the Bible teaches us that God listens to us and delights when we take that time to spend with Him.
Who knew that a simple Birthday conversation would open up a door for God to remind me to follow thru with the prayer requests of others. If I say that I am going to pray, then I need to pray and leave the outcome and the results to God.
Monday, October 27, 2008
So I was on Facebook the other day .....shhhhh I tend to be a bit of a stalker!! I was reading someone's favorite quotes and came across one that I haven't been able to forget. I lingered a bit and thought that I should share it with all of you. (or the one or two of you who actually read this blog)
"If Christianity is dull and boring, if it is a burden and not a blessing, then most likely we are involved in a project, not a person - a system, not a Savior - rules rather than a relationship" - Josephy Stowell
What would the body of Christ look like if we all invested in a person and served a Savior and craved a realtionship? I imagine a place that would look quite different then the lost and broken world that we live in now. I imagine a church that more closely resembles what Paul describes in the New Testament.
Its something I want to be a part of. Its a concept that too many "christians" fail to understand.
"If Christianity is dull and boring, if it is a burden and not a blessing, then most likely we are involved in a project, not a person - a system, not a Savior - rules rather than a relationship" - Josephy Stowell
What would the body of Christ look like if we all invested in a person and served a Savior and craved a realtionship? I imagine a place that would look quite different then the lost and broken world that we live in now. I imagine a church that more closely resembles what Paul describes in the New Testament.
Its something I want to be a part of. Its a concept that too many "christians" fail to understand.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Oh How You Love me.....
Here I sit God
Heart and Mind open to You
Amazed at How You Love Me.....
Even with my sin.
Even with my failures as a child of God.
Constantly struggling Lord with when to walk away
and what boundaries to set....
Loving to the point of vulnerability and getting hurt
so hurt.....
Trying to pretend that nothing is wrong...
Smiling and laughing
but inside....
hurting.
restless.
lonely.
Left wondering what was real...
Left wondering how it has come to this
Trying to solve what went wrong
Why am I here in this place
Then constantly amazed...
at Your gently reminder of How you Love me
How you love us....
And in that moment
"Understanding that I don't have the time to maintain this regret
when I think about How You Love us"
Understanding what that means and trying to comprehend and grasp something so
beautiful and so pure
I am face to face with the realization of just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.....
It is that truth that assures me that while I am a flawed and sinful person
Oh How You Love me.
Thank you....
May I use that realization to reach out to others
And Love them and Forgive them with the same love and forgiveness You have shown me.
Heart and Mind open to You
Amazed at How You Love Me.....
Even with my sin.
Even with my failures as a child of God.
Constantly struggling Lord with when to walk away
and what boundaries to set....
Loving to the point of vulnerability and getting hurt
so hurt.....
Trying to pretend that nothing is wrong...
Smiling and laughing
but inside....
hurting.
restless.
lonely.
Left wondering what was real...
Left wondering how it has come to this
Trying to solve what went wrong
Why am I here in this place
Then constantly amazed...
at Your gently reminder of How you Love me
How you love us....
And in that moment
"Understanding that I don't have the time to maintain this regret
when I think about How You Love us"
Understanding what that means and trying to comprehend and grasp something so
beautiful and so pure
I am face to face with the realization of just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.....
It is that truth that assures me that while I am a flawed and sinful person
Oh How You Love me.
Thank you....
May I use that realization to reach out to others
And Love them and Forgive them with the same love and forgiveness You have shown me.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The truth....and nothing but the truth.
So, I just had a pretty crazy experience..... an experience that I am honestly a little scared and embarrassed to share. It is going to leave me exposed and open....not something that I am accustomed to do but God has pressed on my heart to sit and write and so I find myself here...writing and hoping that it will all make sense.
I left my church hom in January of 2008. I love that church.... I love those people! I was really involved and very active with many of the ministries there. I particularly miss serving the body of Christ...... especially the Youth Group and all the memories and experiences we shared. They hold a very special and dear place in my heart...... but, I left.
I began to search for a new church and a new beginning. The journey started with high expectations and hopes. I was committed to finding the spot that God had for me and was excited about all the new doors that would be opened. My heart was open, my body willing and my spirit encouraged. Week after week, I found myself in a new building with a new preacher and new people. Each week I continued to leave wishing and praying for something different....something more bold....something more authentic.
I should back up a bit in the story and tell you that I am the typical church kid. My family went to church every weekend since I was a young child. I remember sitting on the seond row of our tiny country church. We put the money in the offering plate, went to Sunday school, and sang the beautiful church hymns but it ended there..... I think it ends there for ALOT of us. There was no mention of a relationship with Jesus Christ. There was no challenge to share our faith with others. Our church settled for "playing the part." We were reading the Bible but not opening ourselves to allowing the Bible to change us. I found this in MANY churches I have visited and attended..... (the topic for another day!).
But, here I am in the Bible Belt of country where close to half of our city attends church....and I cant seem to find a place where I belong. To say I became discouraged is an understatement. Angry and Bitter might be better descriptions. I have and to an extent continue to struggle with Why it is so hard to find a good church? I followed Christ by leaving a church and a people that I love deeply and yet find myself alone.......What was wrong with me? I sat in chruch week in and week out.... good solid churches, and yet continue to crave something different.
This takes a toll on you. A very emotional toll....... With each passing week, my discouragement grew. It seemed like the more I prayed the more dissatisfied I was. What the heck? I began to dread the weekends because I knew it meant another church...another service...another time that I would be disappointed.
This morning was no different. I was up last night at midnight looking thru the phonebook and listening to church voicemails for their service times...hoping that I might find somewhere to go. I finally decided on a place and time around 12:30 and ended my day with a prayer.... a prayer that God would open my eyes to the truth and the ways that He is working in me. It was simple and yet so complete.
As I left the house this morning, I instantly became overwelmed with a dissatisfaction with going to this service I had chosen. I didn't want to go....I found myself calling a friend and sharing with her a bit of my struggle. What should I expect from a church? What is there role in this life? Am I asking for something that doesn't exist? I want to "get in the game" but I also don't want to settle for "looking the part." That is simply not good enough. God didn't call me (or you) to a life of nothing better then average. I decided to go with her, yet again, to her church. I knew what to expect and at least felt that the service might be one that would challenge me. I prayed on the way to church, that God would stir something within me and help me to eliminate any distractions or prior experiences. I didn't want anything to get in the way of what He wanted me to hear and what He wanted to share with me today.
Worship was amazing (as usual) .... "Your Grace is enough", "Jesus Paid it All" and a David Crowder song. (I cant remember the title but the lyrics go "sing a song of hope. to know you and be loved it enough....) GREAT songs..... good worship. The service title.... "Bring It." The pastor began to preach on the Great Commission found in the last chapter of Matthew. He also preached from James Chapter 1 where it discusses not only reading scripture but doing what it says. He challenged us to stop deceiving ourselves and then closed out the sermon with the parable of the Vine and the Branches found in John 15.
Ready for this.... his message was about the role of the church!!! He layed out three reasons that church exists and shares with us some of his concerns with the trends in churches today. His trends.... settling, going thru the motions, not getting in the game! There is more..... he then goes on to talk about how the church today is failing to meet the needs of those people who have committed to Christ and trying to lead Chist Centered Lives! He talks about how so many disciples are discouraged and dissatisfied with church and find themselves left wanting more! I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. He admitted to not knowing the answer to this problem but then also said he was looking for help from people to find the solution. WOW!
Now I am not saying that this is my church or where I should be...... I am thanking Christ for validation that my questions are ones worth wrestling with. I am glad that I am not settling and maybe Brentwood is the right church. I do know that I want to "Bring It" and I also know that until I take ownership of my own relationship with Jesus and truly understand that the relationship I have with Him is my responsbility I will be left wanting and desiring more.
How awesome, that God would choose to speak to me today. I can see the ways that he is working in me and I didn't allow anything to distract my attention or pull me away from what He wanted me to hear.... I am so grateful that I have a relationship with a Man who died on a cross to save my life and that He loves me enough to not leave me where I am today!
I left my church hom in January of 2008. I love that church.... I love those people! I was really involved and very active with many of the ministries there. I particularly miss serving the body of Christ...... especially the Youth Group and all the memories and experiences we shared. They hold a very special and dear place in my heart...... but, I left.
I began to search for a new church and a new beginning. The journey started with high expectations and hopes. I was committed to finding the spot that God had for me and was excited about all the new doors that would be opened. My heart was open, my body willing and my spirit encouraged. Week after week, I found myself in a new building with a new preacher and new people. Each week I continued to leave wishing and praying for something different....something more bold....something more authentic.
I should back up a bit in the story and tell you that I am the typical church kid. My family went to church every weekend since I was a young child. I remember sitting on the seond row of our tiny country church. We put the money in the offering plate, went to Sunday school, and sang the beautiful church hymns but it ended there..... I think it ends there for ALOT of us. There was no mention of a relationship with Jesus Christ. There was no challenge to share our faith with others. Our church settled for "playing the part." We were reading the Bible but not opening ourselves to allowing the Bible to change us. I found this in MANY churches I have visited and attended..... (the topic for another day!).
But, here I am in the Bible Belt of country where close to half of our city attends church....and I cant seem to find a place where I belong. To say I became discouraged is an understatement. Angry and Bitter might be better descriptions. I have and to an extent continue to struggle with Why it is so hard to find a good church? I followed Christ by leaving a church and a people that I love deeply and yet find myself alone.......What was wrong with me? I sat in chruch week in and week out.... good solid churches, and yet continue to crave something different.
This takes a toll on you. A very emotional toll....... With each passing week, my discouragement grew. It seemed like the more I prayed the more dissatisfied I was. What the heck? I began to dread the weekends because I knew it meant another church...another service...another time that I would be disappointed.
This morning was no different. I was up last night at midnight looking thru the phonebook and listening to church voicemails for their service times...hoping that I might find somewhere to go. I finally decided on a place and time around 12:30 and ended my day with a prayer.... a prayer that God would open my eyes to the truth and the ways that He is working in me. It was simple and yet so complete.
As I left the house this morning, I instantly became overwelmed with a dissatisfaction with going to this service I had chosen. I didn't want to go....I found myself calling a friend and sharing with her a bit of my struggle. What should I expect from a church? What is there role in this life? Am I asking for something that doesn't exist? I want to "get in the game" but I also don't want to settle for "looking the part." That is simply not good enough. God didn't call me (or you) to a life of nothing better then average. I decided to go with her, yet again, to her church. I knew what to expect and at least felt that the service might be one that would challenge me. I prayed on the way to church, that God would stir something within me and help me to eliminate any distractions or prior experiences. I didn't want anything to get in the way of what He wanted me to hear and what He wanted to share with me today.
Worship was amazing (as usual) .... "Your Grace is enough", "Jesus Paid it All" and a David Crowder song. (I cant remember the title but the lyrics go "sing a song of hope. to know you and be loved it enough....) GREAT songs..... good worship. The service title.... "Bring It." The pastor began to preach on the Great Commission found in the last chapter of Matthew. He also preached from James Chapter 1 where it discusses not only reading scripture but doing what it says. He challenged us to stop deceiving ourselves and then closed out the sermon with the parable of the Vine and the Branches found in John 15.
Ready for this.... his message was about the role of the church!!! He layed out three reasons that church exists and shares with us some of his concerns with the trends in churches today. His trends.... settling, going thru the motions, not getting in the game! There is more..... he then goes on to talk about how the church today is failing to meet the needs of those people who have committed to Christ and trying to lead Chist Centered Lives! He talks about how so many disciples are discouraged and dissatisfied with church and find themselves left wanting more! I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. He admitted to not knowing the answer to this problem but then also said he was looking for help from people to find the solution. WOW!
Now I am not saying that this is my church or where I should be...... I am thanking Christ for validation that my questions are ones worth wrestling with. I am glad that I am not settling and maybe Brentwood is the right church. I do know that I want to "Bring It" and I also know that until I take ownership of my own relationship with Jesus and truly understand that the relationship I have with Him is my responsbility I will be left wanting and desiring more.
How awesome, that God would choose to speak to me today. I can see the ways that he is working in me and I didn't allow anything to distract my attention or pull me away from what He wanted me to hear.... I am so grateful that I have a relationship with a Man who died on a cross to save my life and that He loves me enough to not leave me where I am today!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Movin, Movin, Movin
So my house is on the market. Thats right, I am one of the crazy people trying to sell their house at quite possibly the WORST time. Its been for sale for about a month now and each day, I box up just a few more things. It amazes me how much stuff I have accumulated in such a short amount of time. I'm not joking.... I have ALOT of "stuff!"
Each time as I open another closet or look underneath another bed I am amazed at all the things that I had forgotten that I had and all the things I didn't need anymore. I always end up with three piles: trash, give away, keep. Kinda like the show "Clean Sweep" for all my TLC fans!!
(Get back on track Kel!) I cannot begin to tell you how much stuff I am throwing away and how much stuff I have not used in months! And the really funny thing is, how even though I forgot it was there and that I haven't used it in over a year, I am still having trouble letting go and giving it away.... There is some part of me that wants to keep it "just in case" or for that "one special occassion."
I can't help but draw the comparison here.......to my life, our lives. How many of us need to box some stuff up and get rid of it? How many of us have a trash pile that is just getting bigger and bigger in our hearts and souls? How many of us can't part with something and want to keep hanging on "just in case?" Maybe its an old relationship.... or a regret. Maybe its something from your childhood that remains unresolved.
It is such a challenge to box the past up and such an uncertain thing to get rid of something that has so many emotions attached to it.... whether they are positive or negative. If we continue to hang on to things "just in case" or wish that something could be different/changed, we get hung up in the past. We begin to focus on what should have been or could have been or might have been and we miss out on today!
So what happens when we get rid of the trash and dont need piles? We have room to grow. We have room to expand into new lessons... new relationships.... new places...... new memories. God desires for you to walk with Him. He doesn't want you to remain the same. His dreams for you are so much bigger and more fluid then that.
Father God, help me understand what trash I need to throw away and what parts of my life I need to let go of. Help me to make rooom in my heart and soul for the newness You desire. Forgive me for the times I hang onto those things that get in the way of my relationship with You. Thank you for the memories and the lessons they taught and thank you for the excitement of what lies ahead. I love You.
Each time as I open another closet or look underneath another bed I am amazed at all the things that I had forgotten that I had and all the things I didn't need anymore. I always end up with three piles: trash, give away, keep. Kinda like the show "Clean Sweep" for all my TLC fans!!
(Get back on track Kel!) I cannot begin to tell you how much stuff I am throwing away and how much stuff I have not used in months! And the really funny thing is, how even though I forgot it was there and that I haven't used it in over a year, I am still having trouble letting go and giving it away.... There is some part of me that wants to keep it "just in case" or for that "one special occassion."
I can't help but draw the comparison here.......to my life, our lives. How many of us need to box some stuff up and get rid of it? How many of us have a trash pile that is just getting bigger and bigger in our hearts and souls? How many of us can't part with something and want to keep hanging on "just in case?" Maybe its an old relationship.... or a regret. Maybe its something from your childhood that remains unresolved.
It is such a challenge to box the past up and such an uncertain thing to get rid of something that has so many emotions attached to it.... whether they are positive or negative. If we continue to hang on to things "just in case" or wish that something could be different/changed, we get hung up in the past. We begin to focus on what should have been or could have been or might have been and we miss out on today!
So what happens when we get rid of the trash and dont need piles? We have room to grow. We have room to expand into new lessons... new relationships.... new places...... new memories. God desires for you to walk with Him. He doesn't want you to remain the same. His dreams for you are so much bigger and more fluid then that.
Father God, help me understand what trash I need to throw away and what parts of my life I need to let go of. Help me to make rooom in my heart and soul for the newness You desire. Forgive me for the times I hang onto those things that get in the way of my relationship with You. Thank you for the memories and the lessons they taught and thank you for the excitement of what lies ahead. I love You.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Dreams.....
As a child, I remember dreaming of becoming a lawyer.
For a while I wanted to be an astronaut.
I even went to space camp every summer!
My dreams developed in middle school and high school to be a pediatrician
Then a pediatric surgeon.
I remember a defining moment in my life.....
I was a second semester sophmore in college and got very sick.
I have Weber Christians Disease and came face to face with the realization that I may not get better and that this disease was something that would not be cured and most likely would not go away. Looking back on this moment, I see that I gave in too easily.
I decided that studying to be a doctor was most likely impossible and fulfilling the demands of medical school were almost impossible so I let go and moved on.
While letting go and moving on may not be a bad thing, I realize now that I gave up too easily on my dream. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be a doctor and I don't want to work in the medical field. My passions have changed since that day, but what I didn't do for the longest time was dream.....
I didn't know where to go and didn't have another plan.
I had wanted to be in medicine for the longest time and didn't know any other way.
I see now that I conceeded too quickly and while I did ultimately understand that I didn't want to work in medicine I lost out on dreaming....
Dreaming of a world of possibilities.
If you talk with kids today, they will tell you of aspirations to be pro sports players, lawyers, pilots, business owners, beauty queens..... the list is endless.
Somewhere along the way we lose that.....somewhere along the way we let go of those dreams and confirm to and adapt to a life where we are not fulfilling our potential.
Now dont get me wrong.....
I am not saying that all dreams are worth pursuing.
Sometimes we have fantasies and misunderstand the important difference in dreams and in fantasies....
But, we need to dream BIG! The bigger our dreams the more we succeed.
The more passionate we are about life, the more significance we have in our part of the world we touch.
We, people, are the greatest resource this country has for lasting change.
God created us to be different and more complex then any other thing of this world.
And yet, somewhere along the way we lose the passion to dream BIG and settle for some version of ourselves and never live up to the potential we have.
So whats wrong with settling you might ask?
Because like an epidemic the idea of a mediocre life spreads like wildfire to other people......
We squelch any desire they have of becoming the best version of themselves and in following thru.
Instead of being an innovator and pioneer we lead comfortable and safe lives and conform. Let me be the first to say, that I don't dream big enough. I forget that the Creator of this Universe is capable of doing ANYTHING and is just waiting for me to ASK.
Ask BIG
Dream BIG
and be AMAZED when God comes thru!
So what happens when you dream big and succeed.....
you give other people permission to do the same.
When your light shines bright and people see the difference you are making and the impact you have, you unconsciously allow them to do and be the same.
Imagine the greatness and significance that has for this world.
A world that is missing out and under utilizing its greatest resource,
US!
For a while I wanted to be an astronaut.
I even went to space camp every summer!
My dreams developed in middle school and high school to be a pediatrician
Then a pediatric surgeon.
I remember a defining moment in my life.....
I was a second semester sophmore in college and got very sick.
I have Weber Christians Disease and came face to face with the realization that I may not get better and that this disease was something that would not be cured and most likely would not go away. Looking back on this moment, I see that I gave in too easily.
I decided that studying to be a doctor was most likely impossible and fulfilling the demands of medical school were almost impossible so I let go and moved on.
While letting go and moving on may not be a bad thing, I realize now that I gave up too easily on my dream. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be a doctor and I don't want to work in the medical field. My passions have changed since that day, but what I didn't do for the longest time was dream.....
I didn't know where to go and didn't have another plan.
I had wanted to be in medicine for the longest time and didn't know any other way.
I see now that I conceeded too quickly and while I did ultimately understand that I didn't want to work in medicine I lost out on dreaming....
Dreaming of a world of possibilities.
If you talk with kids today, they will tell you of aspirations to be pro sports players, lawyers, pilots, business owners, beauty queens..... the list is endless.
Somewhere along the way we lose that.....somewhere along the way we let go of those dreams and confirm to and adapt to a life where we are not fulfilling our potential.
Now dont get me wrong.....
I am not saying that all dreams are worth pursuing.
Sometimes we have fantasies and misunderstand the important difference in dreams and in fantasies....
But, we need to dream BIG! The bigger our dreams the more we succeed.
The more passionate we are about life, the more significance we have in our part of the world we touch.
We, people, are the greatest resource this country has for lasting change.
God created us to be different and more complex then any other thing of this world.
And yet, somewhere along the way we lose the passion to dream BIG and settle for some version of ourselves and never live up to the potential we have.
So whats wrong with settling you might ask?
Because like an epidemic the idea of a mediocre life spreads like wildfire to other people......
We squelch any desire they have of becoming the best version of themselves and in following thru.
Instead of being an innovator and pioneer we lead comfortable and safe lives and conform. Let me be the first to say, that I don't dream big enough. I forget that the Creator of this Universe is capable of doing ANYTHING and is just waiting for me to ASK.
Ask BIG
Dream BIG
and be AMAZED when God comes thru!
So what happens when you dream big and succeed.....
you give other people permission to do the same.
When your light shines bright and people see the difference you are making and the impact you have, you unconsciously allow them to do and be the same.
Imagine the greatness and significance that has for this world.
A world that is missing out and under utilizing its greatest resource,
US!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thank you??
Another July has passed.
Fall is just around the corner....
Another season behind me.
This season was one filled with lots of questions
no answers.
I was questioning so many things,
understanding where I failed
and deciding where I wanted to go
Coming face to face with who I was....
the good AND the bad
Struggles about dreams that were unfulfilled
Doubts about what the next step should be
Lack of Understanding about why things were happening or....
Not Happening.
I got to a place where I was just existing.
A place where the days ran all together
I didn't have my spark. I didn't have the fight.
I was hurting and lonely and couldn't fix it.
Scripture is filled with verses and passages to offer hope in times like these.... to offer encouragement and to remind us that God is there. I was reading these Scriptures and clinging on to each phrase.... it just wasn't enough. I could tell you all of the right things to say in response to any question about trial, but I didn't "feel" that way on the inside.
I wanted to feel that way.
I wanted to be OK with my circumstances trusting that God's plan was bigger but I didn't live like I knew it, I was having trouble living like I was OK.
I talked with Family.
I confided with my friends.
I looked for the answer and prayed for help.....
Nothing
I can't believe what I am about to say..... but I just want to say Thanks God
Thanks for not giving me the easy way out
Thanks for not rescuing me with my first tear
I understand that this had to happen......
I don't even fully grasp or comprehend why. I can only see a tip but even the part I can see, I am so greatful.
I know God now, better than ever, that I truly NEED You in my life.
I can go thru the motions and even succeed in the eyes of this world...
but it would be for nothing.
I have grown to Love you in way that I never knew was possible.....
I can't even articulate it or put it into words.
I don't have an analogy or an understanding of what to compare it to.
This feeling.... this emotion.... this reality is so real, so authentic, so raw, so passionate.
Now that I have gotten to this place.
Its a choice.... a choice to believe that YOU are bigger then any problem.
Its a choice to let YOU in.
What I had to give up... the dreams I had to let go of.....
those pale in comparison to the peace and fulfillment I have now
in this moment.
A thank you doesn't seem sufficient.
I am at a loss of words.... but my heart and my soul have never been better.
I still have the questions and the doubts but I don't have the burdens or the worry. I am filled instead with a passion to live this life with Him. Finding my strength and my answers in the quietness of my prayers and in the CHOICES that I am free to make.
This is what You have wanted all along.... for me to decide to let go. I can see that now. I understand what that means now. I feel that way and the release is magnificient. I understand that it can't be the desire of my family or of my friends.... It can't even be the desire for You. I have to make the CHOICE.
Now, that I am here in this place, truly surrendered and ready to liste, I am SO EXCITED about the plans that You have and the places You want to take me to. I am done worrying and playing it safe. I can see a world and a people who Need you and I am saying proudly and without hesistation that I am ready for this journey.
I have you and truly that is all I need.... truly.
That realization and UNDERSTANDING has truly changed me....
my priorities, my passions, my values, me.
The change has been inward.
Its not something that can be heard or touched.
It can't be ariticulated and won't show up on a written test.
Its a life that will be lived with a difference.....
A sign of contentment and excitement
Content for the blessings and place God has me today
but so VERY VERY EXCITED for the places that He is going to take me tomorrow!
Fall is just around the corner....
Another season behind me.
This season was one filled with lots of questions
no answers.
I was questioning so many things,
understanding where I failed
and deciding where I wanted to go
Coming face to face with who I was....
the good AND the bad
Struggles about dreams that were unfulfilled
Doubts about what the next step should be
Lack of Understanding about why things were happening or....
Not Happening.
I got to a place where I was just existing.
A place where the days ran all together
I didn't have my spark. I didn't have the fight.
I was hurting and lonely and couldn't fix it.
Scripture is filled with verses and passages to offer hope in times like these.... to offer encouragement and to remind us that God is there. I was reading these Scriptures and clinging on to each phrase.... it just wasn't enough. I could tell you all of the right things to say in response to any question about trial, but I didn't "feel" that way on the inside.
I wanted to feel that way.
I wanted to be OK with my circumstances trusting that God's plan was bigger but I didn't live like I knew it, I was having trouble living like I was OK.
I talked with Family.
I confided with my friends.
I looked for the answer and prayed for help.....
Nothing
I can't believe what I am about to say..... but I just want to say Thanks God
Thanks for not giving me the easy way out
Thanks for not rescuing me with my first tear
I understand that this had to happen......
I don't even fully grasp or comprehend why. I can only see a tip but even the part I can see, I am so greatful.
I know God now, better than ever, that I truly NEED You in my life.
I can go thru the motions and even succeed in the eyes of this world...
but it would be for nothing.
I have grown to Love you in way that I never knew was possible.....
I can't even articulate it or put it into words.
I don't have an analogy or an understanding of what to compare it to.
This feeling.... this emotion.... this reality is so real, so authentic, so raw, so passionate.
Now that I have gotten to this place.
Its a choice.... a choice to believe that YOU are bigger then any problem.
Its a choice to let YOU in.
What I had to give up... the dreams I had to let go of.....
those pale in comparison to the peace and fulfillment I have now
in this moment.
A thank you doesn't seem sufficient.
I am at a loss of words.... but my heart and my soul have never been better.
I still have the questions and the doubts but I don't have the burdens or the worry. I am filled instead with a passion to live this life with Him. Finding my strength and my answers in the quietness of my prayers and in the CHOICES that I am free to make.
This is what You have wanted all along.... for me to decide to let go. I can see that now. I understand what that means now. I feel that way and the release is magnificient. I understand that it can't be the desire of my family or of my friends.... It can't even be the desire for You. I have to make the CHOICE.
Now, that I am here in this place, truly surrendered and ready to liste, I am SO EXCITED about the plans that You have and the places You want to take me to. I am done worrying and playing it safe. I can see a world and a people who Need you and I am saying proudly and without hesistation that I am ready for this journey.
I have you and truly that is all I need.... truly.
That realization and UNDERSTANDING has truly changed me....
my priorities, my passions, my values, me.
The change has been inward.
Its not something that can be heard or touched.
It can't be ariticulated and won't show up on a written test.
Its a life that will be lived with a difference.....
A sign of contentment and excitement
Content for the blessings and place God has me today
but so VERY VERY EXCITED for the places that He is going to take me tomorrow!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Time to Remodel?
I was sitting in the Raleigh Airport on Friday night....
waiting to take flight to Tampa to visit my mom. As I sat there, a family sat down across from me. Looked like a mom, dad, aunt and two brothers. They were on their way home from vacation..... home was Orlando FL. As they sat there reading and grabbing a quick dinner, mom pulled out a magazine from her carry-on.
On the cover it had the following catch phrase: "100 Ways to Improve your Kitchen"
The conversation that followed included a family discussion on the improvements needed for their kitchen....everyone weighed in with the ideas on what to include or remove to make the "dream kitchen" The likes and dislikes were vast and included everything from granite countertops and stone fireplaces to custom cabinets and stainless steel appliances. The list continued...... each thinking they had the perfect plan to make their kitchen the best!
Do you have a wishlist..... a wishlist for your life. Maybe your list includes a nicer home, a new car, more money, to be married, to have children, to have the lastest electronics, to be thinner, to have longer hair or a bigger TV..... The world we live in has convinced us that if we could just get ____________ ( you fill in the blank) that life could begin or be better......
And so our quest begins. We look everywhere and try every trick. We are desperatly searching and hoping and wishing that the answer could be found. We want to fee alive and so we pursue wealth, power, success, pleasure just hoping its the answer.....
So if you find yourself remodeling or on a journey looking for an hoping for more out of life....start and center your remodeling with Jesus. Sure you can remodel without him and even live without him.... we see that everyday. But if you want the answer to what you are looking for...... you have it with Him, In Him. You won't be disappointed!
waiting to take flight to Tampa to visit my mom. As I sat there, a family sat down across from me. Looked like a mom, dad, aunt and two brothers. They were on their way home from vacation..... home was Orlando FL. As they sat there reading and grabbing a quick dinner, mom pulled out a magazine from her carry-on.
On the cover it had the following catch phrase: "100 Ways to Improve your Kitchen"
The conversation that followed included a family discussion on the improvements needed for their kitchen....everyone weighed in with the ideas on what to include or remove to make the "dream kitchen" The likes and dislikes were vast and included everything from granite countertops and stone fireplaces to custom cabinets and stainless steel appliances. The list continued...... each thinking they had the perfect plan to make their kitchen the best!
Do you have a wishlist..... a wishlist for your life. Maybe your list includes a nicer home, a new car, more money, to be married, to have children, to have the lastest electronics, to be thinner, to have longer hair or a bigger TV..... The world we live in has convinced us that if we could just get ____________ ( you fill in the blank) that life could begin or be better......
And so our quest begins. We look everywhere and try every trick. We are desperatly searching and hoping and wishing that the answer could be found. We want to fee alive and so we pursue wealth, power, success, pleasure just hoping its the answer.....
WHAT WE ARE SO OFTEN WILLING TO SACRIFICE IS THE VERY THING MOST ESSENTIAL FOR LIFE -- A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST.
So if you find yourself remodeling or on a journey looking for an hoping for more out of life....start and center your remodeling with Jesus. Sure you can remodel without him and even live without him.... we see that everyday. But if you want the answer to what you are looking for...... you have it with Him, In Him. You won't be disappointed!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Turning Point
So here I am at midnight....
typing and filled with so many feelings and things that I am trying to think thru
I can feel the tears building and my eyes burning
Here I am in this world....
Trying to make sense of it all and learning that
some things are just never going to make sense.
Almost as if the chaos is "normal"
I am making all of this harder than it should be.
I am complicating things.....
I don't know how to fix it.
I am all out of answers and find myself tired and exhausted
and feeling all alone.
I know that You are there.
I know that I am the one who has left....
The more I try to find You the more lost and alone I feel.
I cant take another step.
I am done trying to fix it by myself.
Instead, I just want to run into your arms.
I want to feel the strength of your hands surround me and protect me.
I want to hear the gentle whisper of Your voice tell me that You love me.
My heart longs for more....
burns to know you more.
to serve you more.
to love you more.
Again, I have put my trust in something other than your blood.
Something, that has left me crumpled on the floor
Tired
Weary
Broken
I know YOU are the answer.
Nothing short of You is going to help me....
Move me into the place and position You desire.
I am ready to go.
To leave all that I think will make me happy and content....
Ready to truly let it go and follow you....
wherever that leads me.
You know my deepest desires.
You understand my element and what makes me complete better than I do.
Take me there.....
I don't want to waste another moment in this world
A world that is filled with beautiful people
A world that is filled with opportunities
Use me God!
I am ready.....
I will go anywhere...
I will do anything.....
I know the risk that I am taking but also the reward to be gained.
You have so much to offer... so much more then any person or any thing this world can offer.
Everything pales in comparison to complete surrender!
I am there.....
Content where I am.
Understanding that my life is overflowing with blessings.....
But ready for what is next
Longing to grow and learn and be different
Not wanting to waste another second!
I am here....
Listening.
Ready.
Willing.
typing and filled with so many feelings and things that I am trying to think thru
I can feel the tears building and my eyes burning
Here I am in this world....
Trying to make sense of it all and learning that
some things are just never going to make sense.
Almost as if the chaos is "normal"
I am making all of this harder than it should be.
I am complicating things.....
I don't know how to fix it.
I am all out of answers and find myself tired and exhausted
and feeling all alone.
I know that You are there.
I know that I am the one who has left....
The more I try to find You the more lost and alone I feel.
I cant take another step.
I am done trying to fix it by myself.
Instead, I just want to run into your arms.
I want to feel the strength of your hands surround me and protect me.
I want to hear the gentle whisper of Your voice tell me that You love me.
My heart longs for more....
burns to know you more.
to serve you more.
to love you more.
Again, I have put my trust in something other than your blood.
Something, that has left me crumpled on the floor
Tired
Weary
Broken
I know YOU are the answer.
Nothing short of You is going to help me....
Move me into the place and position You desire.
I am ready to go.
To leave all that I think will make me happy and content....
Ready to truly let it go and follow you....
wherever that leads me.
You know my deepest desires.
You understand my element and what makes me complete better than I do.
Take me there.....
I don't want to waste another moment in this world
A world that is filled with beautiful people
A world that is filled with opportunities
Use me God!
I am ready.....
I will go anywhere...
I will do anything.....
I know the risk that I am taking but also the reward to be gained.
You have so much to offer... so much more then any person or any thing this world can offer.
Everything pales in comparison to complete surrender!
I am there.....
Content where I am.
Understanding that my life is overflowing with blessings.....
But ready for what is next
Longing to grow and learn and be different
Not wanting to waste another second!
I am here....
Listening.
Ready.
Willing.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Communicating to Change....
Have you ever met someone w ho liked to argue?They like to sit around sipping coffee and having deep discussions....They like to debate and point out whats right and whats wrong with a particular topic.I am pretty sure we all know people like that!
I have been challenged lately to let those arguments go.
I am learning that the only lens that matters is the lens of Jesus. Let me explain.....The purpose of my communication with someone is to inspire and challenge them to live their life differently. Ultimately, I want them to decide that living for Jesus and having a relationship with Jesus is what truly matters. Period!
When I am in conversation with someone whose views and positions are different then my own, it is very natural for me to become defensive and begin to create a list of all the reasons that I am right and all the reasons that they are wrong. That is the flesh side of dealing with an issue.
What I am learning, is that sometimes I have to let it go. Sometimes people are not interested in hearing what I have to say and just want to talk and argue for the sake of talking and arguing.....
I can not control the motives or reasons that a person addresses me.... I can control only how I respond and only how I choose to react.I think in situations like that, the most important thing to remember is that your actions and words must reflect the change that you desire. Everything has to be filtered thru the lens of Jesus. What can I say, how can I act, what can I show that is going to challenge them to live for His glory.
It is not my job to change them. I can't and don't want to change them. The only person who can do that is God. I don't want to carry that burden! I instead, want to make sure that all that I say and all that I am about lets the light of God shine thru to the world He has created. I can't fix them. Only God has the power to do that!That means walking away from a discussion even when you know you are right. That means learning to be quiet when it would be easier to just tell them what you think. That means that building the relationship is more important then winning the fight!
I don't just want to talk about it and study it.... I don't just want to say it with my words and my journals. I want to live it, breathe it, become it! When I learn how to change my responses and my motives, God receives the glory -- That is what its all about.
I am going to leave those deep discussions about all the issues around the coffee be left up to someone else. My life and my being are defined not by how well I can argue my points but by how I respond to God's will EVERY day!
I have been challenged lately to let those arguments go.
I am learning that the only lens that matters is the lens of Jesus. Let me explain.....The purpose of my communication with someone is to inspire and challenge them to live their life differently. Ultimately, I want them to decide that living for Jesus and having a relationship with Jesus is what truly matters. Period!
When I am in conversation with someone whose views and positions are different then my own, it is very natural for me to become defensive and begin to create a list of all the reasons that I am right and all the reasons that they are wrong. That is the flesh side of dealing with an issue.
What I am learning, is that sometimes I have to let it go. Sometimes people are not interested in hearing what I have to say and just want to talk and argue for the sake of talking and arguing.....
I can not control the motives or reasons that a person addresses me.... I can control only how I respond and only how I choose to react.I think in situations like that, the most important thing to remember is that your actions and words must reflect the change that you desire. Everything has to be filtered thru the lens of Jesus. What can I say, how can I act, what can I show that is going to challenge them to live for His glory.
It is not my job to change them. I can't and don't want to change them. The only person who can do that is God. I don't want to carry that burden! I instead, want to make sure that all that I say and all that I am about lets the light of God shine thru to the world He has created. I can't fix them. Only God has the power to do that!That means walking away from a discussion even when you know you are right. That means learning to be quiet when it would be easier to just tell them what you think. That means that building the relationship is more important then winning the fight!
I don't just want to talk about it and study it.... I don't just want to say it with my words and my journals. I want to live it, breathe it, become it! When I learn how to change my responses and my motives, God receives the glory -- That is what its all about.
I am going to leave those deep discussions about all the issues around the coffee be left up to someone else. My life and my being are defined not by how well I can argue my points but by how I respond to God's will EVERY day!
Monday, June 23, 2008
"All you need is Love...."
Ever heard that Beattles song....
"All you need is Love Love Love
Love is all you need"
As I sat across the table from my cousin and VERY dear friend
I just began to talk about alot of things....
Things that have been bothering me and things that I have been wrestling with and processing for the last couple of months.
I absolutely love people! Doesn't matter their age, gender, personality type....
I love to talk to other people and find out about them... what makes them tick.
What is important to them? What do they enjoy? What do they value?
Anything.... I love getting to know new people.
I can talk to just about anyone... seriously. And, for the most part, I am genuinely interested in what they have to say, especially if it is about them as people.
Jen reminded me that I have a very big heart.... a heart that loves to love others..... a heart that loves to help people and a heart that loves to make other people happy. Sometimes the intentions behind that are questioned but truly, that is what I like to do. I absolutely love to find out what makes someone happy and do it.... over and over again. If I am aware of a need or something that someone wants done, I will be the first to volunteer to help. Doesn't matter what it is....
I have been known to create Power Point Presentations
Coordinate Wedding Ceremonies/Receptions
Paint Children Musical Backdrops
Type Greek Commentaries
Open up my home for a weekend/week/month to people who need a place to stay....
Learn to play the piano
Help people Move
Honestly, doesn't matter. I enjoy doing things that help people. I enjoy making a difference in their life.
I don't really expect much in return. I love visiting and spending time with people.... I think that is what I enjoy the most really. Just spend time with me. Give me you and that is the best way to show me that you love and care about me.
What I am learning is that character trait puts me in a very vulnerable spot consistently! As you can imagine, it is easy to get overextended and feel used and tired. It is easy to have your feelings hurt when someone doesn't respond to your generosity with thankfulness.
A friend once explained it like this.....
a relationship exists between two people.
On their best day, each person brings their own sets of strengths/weaknesses to the relationship. My strength....the ability to love someone.
My strength might be different then someone else's strength.
Consider for a second, the following analogy.
Imagine that you can measure love.
Lets say that on my best day I am capable of loving someone 150 units.
Now lets say that same person on their best day is capable of loving me 50 units.
I understand that my best and their best are on two different levels.
I understand that even on their "A Game" their best will not look like mine.
And that goes for the reverse as well.....
So what does this mean? How does this affect my life?
I should never expect someone to give me what I give them. I should not expect someone whose best is 50 units to give me 150 units. That is not realistic.... it isn't fair.
If someone can never fufill my expectations, then what is the point of them trying at all?
That doesn't mean that I shouldn't encourage them to grow. That does't mean that I can't try to challenge them to do better and be more.
I think the idea of encouragement and discipline is VERY biblical....
All I can ask is that they try to be their best
All I can expect is an effort that parallels my effort
And when they do try and when they are striving to make sure that I am saying "THANKS" in whatever form that looks like
"All you need is Love Love Love
Love is all you need"
As I sat across the table from my cousin and VERY dear friend
I just began to talk about alot of things....
Things that have been bothering me and things that I have been wrestling with and processing for the last couple of months.
I absolutely love people! Doesn't matter their age, gender, personality type....
I love to talk to other people and find out about them... what makes them tick.
What is important to them? What do they enjoy? What do they value?
Anything.... I love getting to know new people.
I can talk to just about anyone... seriously. And, for the most part, I am genuinely interested in what they have to say, especially if it is about them as people.
Jen reminded me that I have a very big heart.... a heart that loves to love others..... a heart that loves to help people and a heart that loves to make other people happy. Sometimes the intentions behind that are questioned but truly, that is what I like to do. I absolutely love to find out what makes someone happy and do it.... over and over again. If I am aware of a need or something that someone wants done, I will be the first to volunteer to help. Doesn't matter what it is....
I have been known to create Power Point Presentations
Coordinate Wedding Ceremonies/Receptions
Paint Children Musical Backdrops
Type Greek Commentaries
Open up my home for a weekend/week/month to people who need a place to stay....
Learn to play the piano
Help people Move
Honestly, doesn't matter. I enjoy doing things that help people. I enjoy making a difference in their life.
I don't really expect much in return. I love visiting and spending time with people.... I think that is what I enjoy the most really. Just spend time with me. Give me you and that is the best way to show me that you love and care about me.
What I am learning is that character trait puts me in a very vulnerable spot consistently! As you can imagine, it is easy to get overextended and feel used and tired. It is easy to have your feelings hurt when someone doesn't respond to your generosity with thankfulness.
A friend once explained it like this.....
a relationship exists between two people.
On their best day, each person brings their own sets of strengths/weaknesses to the relationship. My strength....the ability to love someone.
My strength might be different then someone else's strength.
Consider for a second, the following analogy.
Imagine that you can measure love.
Lets say that on my best day I am capable of loving someone 150 units.
Now lets say that same person on their best day is capable of loving me 50 units.
I understand that my best and their best are on two different levels.
I understand that even on their "A Game" their best will not look like mine.
And that goes for the reverse as well.....
So what does this mean? How does this affect my life?
I should never expect someone to give me what I give them. I should not expect someone whose best is 50 units to give me 150 units. That is not realistic.... it isn't fair.
If someone can never fufill my expectations, then what is the point of them trying at all?
That doesn't mean that I shouldn't encourage them to grow. That does't mean that I can't try to challenge them to do better and be more.
I think the idea of encouragement and discipline is VERY biblical....
All I can ask is that they try to be their best
All I can expect is an effort that parallels my effort
And when they do try and when they are striving to make sure that I am saying "THANKS" in whatever form that looks like
Monday, June 16, 2008
The ordinary events of an Extratordinary Savior!
I can't believe that it has been almost 2 months since I have posted anything! I have had a lot going on those weeks of silence. Some I am still working on.... some that I have figured out.
So I was thinking alot about life....
My heart is committed to glorifying God. My heart is to let His light shine and to be all that I can be for Him EVERY DAY!
I think what I am learning is that while my heart may be that, I am still struggling a bit with LIVING like that... Living in a way that inspires other people to change. GULP!
That is a hard thing to admit.... a REALLY hard thing.
A lot of people talk about a person's character and a person's habits. I have been thinking about that a bit.... and I have come to the conclusion that we are not born with our character or our habits. Those are things that develop and mature with time and experience.
I think that so many Christians, myself included, look for that bottom of the 9th, two outs, man on third moment.... So many of us want the THRILL of following the Lord.... that once in a lifetime moment that takes your breath away. That illuminating/cloud 9 experience that you will ride on for a while. There is nothing wrong with that.... but those moments don't develop character. Those are not the moments when habits are formed!
Habit and Character are formed in the common days of life. Those habits and character are developed in the routine tasks and normal activities of every day. I am a normal person who leads a normal life and sometimes I allow myself to be hindered by the "big moments" of Jesus and miss out on the marvel of God's grace in my ordinary life.
What I am learning is how to take an ordinary task, an ordinary day, an ordinary encounter and let God's light shine in a way that illuminates everything that I want to be about. I am aligning my heart's desire with my life habits and my personal character...
So many of us are hindered by us looking for the big thing to do. We forget that Jesus took a towel and washed his disciples feet. We forget that He rode on a donkey. Those are ordinary events that an EXTRAORDINARY Savior uses to teach me.... to teach us!
The habits and character we build today are just as important as when we step up to the plate to hit it out of the park.... maybe even more important! Use EACH moment of EACH day to LIVE a LIFE that speaks the truth about the GLORY of God.
He can use those moments and our desire to make a difference..... A difference in the lives of others. A difference that brings our character a little closer to His and challenges someone else to Live their life differently.
That's what I want my life to be about....
God, sometimes I allow the trill of the Big Moments get in the way of my habits and character that you are trying to build and shape today. Help me to align my heart's desire with my actions that challenges people to live their live differently.... Help me to LIVE each common moment in a manner that allows Your Grace to be seen and felt by others. I thank you for reminding me of that You can be glorified in my common tasks and daily routines. I love you! - Amen
So I was thinking alot about life....
My heart is committed to glorifying God. My heart is to let His light shine and to be all that I can be for Him EVERY DAY!
I think what I am learning is that while my heart may be that, I am still struggling a bit with LIVING like that... Living in a way that inspires other people to change. GULP!
That is a hard thing to admit.... a REALLY hard thing.
A lot of people talk about a person's character and a person's habits. I have been thinking about that a bit.... and I have come to the conclusion that we are not born with our character or our habits. Those are things that develop and mature with time and experience.
I think that so many Christians, myself included, look for that bottom of the 9th, two outs, man on third moment.... So many of us want the THRILL of following the Lord.... that once in a lifetime moment that takes your breath away. That illuminating/cloud 9 experience that you will ride on for a while. There is nothing wrong with that.... but those moments don't develop character. Those are not the moments when habits are formed!
Habit and Character are formed in the common days of life. Those habits and character are developed in the routine tasks and normal activities of every day. I am a normal person who leads a normal life and sometimes I allow myself to be hindered by the "big moments" of Jesus and miss out on the marvel of God's grace in my ordinary life.
What I am learning is how to take an ordinary task, an ordinary day, an ordinary encounter and let God's light shine in a way that illuminates everything that I want to be about. I am aligning my heart's desire with my life habits and my personal character...
So many of us are hindered by us looking for the big thing to do. We forget that Jesus took a towel and washed his disciples feet. We forget that He rode on a donkey. Those are ordinary events that an EXTRAORDINARY Savior uses to teach me.... to teach us!
The habits and character we build today are just as important as when we step up to the plate to hit it out of the park.... maybe even more important! Use EACH moment of EACH day to LIVE a LIFE that speaks the truth about the GLORY of God.
He can use those moments and our desire to make a difference..... A difference in the lives of others. A difference that brings our character a little closer to His and challenges someone else to Live their life differently.
That's what I want my life to be about....
God, sometimes I allow the trill of the Big Moments get in the way of my habits and character that you are trying to build and shape today. Help me to align my heart's desire with my actions that challenges people to live their live differently.... Help me to LIVE each common moment in a manner that allows Your Grace to be seen and felt by others. I thank you for reminding me of that You can be glorified in my common tasks and daily routines. I love you! - Amen
Monday, April 7, 2008
A Different Perspective
I got the phone call.... Monday Morning around 7:30am
It was my brother Bryan
Uncle Mac had passed away that morning
He had been sick for a long time with cancer
He told our family long ago that he didn't want any treatment
He was going to die at home, not in a hospital
I talked with mom later that morning
She seemed quiet and distant
2 brothers in 4 months is a lot to handle
I didn't know what to say
I didn't know Mac very well
He lived in Philly for most of his life
He eventually moved to Avalon NJ for the last two years of his life
He was 55 when he died
I decided to go to the funeral
Not because I knew him well or felt a great personal loss
I was worried about mom and Uncle Mike and Aunt Andrea
I wanted to be there for them.....
The trip was 9 hours
I prayed along the way for three things
God be Glorified
My family to be comforted in their loss
And that relationships with Jesus would be strengthened
I wasn't sure exactly what I was getting myself into really.....
I arrived Thursday afternoon around 4pm
I immediately walked the 4 blocks to the beach
The most peaceful place on earth
Sand between my toes
Wind that would take your breath away
Ocean air that smelled fantastic
And shells.... HUGE shells
I began to understand why Mac wanted to die here....
so peaceful
so quiet
so beautiful
I returned to the house where he died
No one was there.
As I walked up the front steps, mom pulls into the driveway
I give her a big hug and kiss
She assures me she is ok and ushers me in to meet Mac's best friend Richard
He reaches for my hand and instead of shaking his hand I lean in for a hug
Something about that hug.
I didn't want to let go - my eyes began to well with tears.
I didn't see that coming but I could feel his loss and his sadness
Family comes in that night
Uncle Mike Aunt Judy Maureen Kyle Mary
Aunt Andrea
Kim
Later Bryan and Irene arrive
We had dinner and small talked for a while
Everyone was ignoring the door closed on the first floor
That was Mac's room
The room where he died
Later that evening mom said there were things that Mike and Andrea should go thru
Things that belonged to Mac
They went into the room......
I heard laughter and talks
Then it got quiet
They left with wet faces and red eyes
My heart was hurting for them.... their loss seemed so real.
So concrete.
Mom sat down that night and told us everything
Mac's final days
His pain and His joy
She told me about her final conversations
She told me about friends who came hours to be with him and say good-bye
She told me about neighbors who bought plates and plates of food to the house
She told me about Mac's final hours
Her last time with him and the pain he was in
I just sat there and listened.
She needed me to listen.
I didn't have any magic words to say.
I didn't know Mac. There wasn't anything comforting about this situation.
2 brothers in 4 months......
The next day is a blur
We all got ready and went to the church
Mom introduced me to Mac's Friends
Tommy Reeder, Burke, Richard....
They talked about Mac all day.
They shared stories and laughed.
Bagpipes played that day.....
There wasn't a dry eye in the house
Mac had a very rich Irish heritage that he was very proud of
The stories about Mac were warm and inviting
Stories of him sailing from Maine to Key West
Stories of a birthday party with food from every shack on the NJ island
Memories of Rolling Stones concerts and sing-songs
T-shirts made for friends
Pictures that were worth a thousand words
Smiles and tears filled the house and room that day
Each story revealed a different side to Mac
A side that I had never seen
A person who seemed so distant and so different then my memories
I felt the love others had for him
I mourned with them over the loss of a friend....a brother.... a leader
I wasn't expecting this loss
I wasn't sure where these emotions were coming from.
I drove away Friday night with memories of an uncle who was loved
With memories of an uncle who did love and care for others
With thoughts of his friends who missed him and loved him so much
I drove away from Avalon with a love for Mac that I never had
A different perspective and a loss of my own
I left that quiet/tranquil/peaceful place understanding him better then when I arrived
Knowing more then when I came
Being challenged by God to not feel this loss anymore
Not of death but of not knowing the person
The person behind the tears....
Thats my sadness
I missed out on knowing andloving an uncle
It was my brother Bryan
Uncle Mac had passed away that morning
He had been sick for a long time with cancer
He told our family long ago that he didn't want any treatment
He was going to die at home, not in a hospital
I talked with mom later that morning
She seemed quiet and distant
2 brothers in 4 months is a lot to handle
I didn't know what to say
I didn't know Mac very well
He lived in Philly for most of his life
He eventually moved to Avalon NJ for the last two years of his life
He was 55 when he died
I decided to go to the funeral
Not because I knew him well or felt a great personal loss
I was worried about mom and Uncle Mike and Aunt Andrea
I wanted to be there for them.....
The trip was 9 hours
I prayed along the way for three things
God be Glorified
My family to be comforted in their loss
And that relationships with Jesus would be strengthened
I wasn't sure exactly what I was getting myself into really.....
I arrived Thursday afternoon around 4pm
I immediately walked the 4 blocks to the beach
The most peaceful place on earth
Sand between my toes
Wind that would take your breath away
Ocean air that smelled fantastic
And shells.... HUGE shells
I began to understand why Mac wanted to die here....
so peaceful
so quiet
so beautiful
I returned to the house where he died
No one was there.
As I walked up the front steps, mom pulls into the driveway
I give her a big hug and kiss
She assures me she is ok and ushers me in to meet Mac's best friend Richard
He reaches for my hand and instead of shaking his hand I lean in for a hug
Something about that hug.
I didn't want to let go - my eyes began to well with tears.
I didn't see that coming but I could feel his loss and his sadness
Family comes in that night
Uncle Mike Aunt Judy Maureen Kyle Mary
Aunt Andrea
Kim
Later Bryan and Irene arrive
We had dinner and small talked for a while
Everyone was ignoring the door closed on the first floor
That was Mac's room
The room where he died
Later that evening mom said there were things that Mike and Andrea should go thru
Things that belonged to Mac
They went into the room......
I heard laughter and talks
Then it got quiet
They left with wet faces and red eyes
My heart was hurting for them.... their loss seemed so real.
So concrete.
Mom sat down that night and told us everything
Mac's final days
His pain and His joy
She told me about her final conversations
She told me about friends who came hours to be with him and say good-bye
She told me about neighbors who bought plates and plates of food to the house
She told me about Mac's final hours
Her last time with him and the pain he was in
I just sat there and listened.
She needed me to listen.
I didn't have any magic words to say.
I didn't know Mac. There wasn't anything comforting about this situation.
2 brothers in 4 months......
The next day is a blur
We all got ready and went to the church
Mom introduced me to Mac's Friends
Tommy Reeder, Burke, Richard....
They talked about Mac all day.
They shared stories and laughed.
Bagpipes played that day.....
There wasn't a dry eye in the house
Mac had a very rich Irish heritage that he was very proud of
The stories about Mac were warm and inviting
Stories of him sailing from Maine to Key West
Stories of a birthday party with food from every shack on the NJ island
Memories of Rolling Stones concerts and sing-songs
T-shirts made for friends
Pictures that were worth a thousand words
Smiles and tears filled the house and room that day
Each story revealed a different side to Mac
A side that I had never seen
A person who seemed so distant and so different then my memories
I felt the love others had for him
I mourned with them over the loss of a friend....a brother.... a leader
I wasn't expecting this loss
I wasn't sure where these emotions were coming from.
I drove away Friday night with memories of an uncle who was loved
With memories of an uncle who did love and care for others
With thoughts of his friends who missed him and loved him so much
I drove away from Avalon with a love for Mac that I never had
A different perspective and a loss of my own
I left that quiet/tranquil/peaceful place understanding him better then when I arrived
Knowing more then when I came
Being challenged by God to not feel this loss anymore
Not of death but of not knowing the person
The person behind the tears....
Thats my sadness
I missed out on knowing andloving an uncle
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