Anything but ordinary.

So I live in Lynchburg VA. For those of you who do not know thats the home of Liberty Univeristy and Thomas Road Baptist Church. I am surrounded by "Christians." Liberty Mountain is flooded each August with students returning to campus for another school year. Some of my good friends are Liberty Students. They are passionate about their walk with Christ, committed to their ministry and truly doing some amazing things for Jesus. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. We are blessed to have this University. We get some of the best worship and best preaching in the country. Its truly top notch. Opportunities are present everywhere to go to Africa and China and South America for Christ.

Ergun Caner is the dean of the seminary and preaches almost every Wednesday night at Campus Church. His messages are powerful and real. He is passionate about teaching and helping students discern what God wants and live this life for His glory. I remember one Campus Church Service in particular.... He made the comment that when he brings someone to LU he does not want them to offer safe and secure ministry spots to his students.... LU students crave something more. He went on to say that too many Christians live the "safe" life fully missing out on what God can do if they were willing and able. His phrase for the night..... "Go one step outside the gates of Hell and set up camp" I LOVE THAT! Go where no one else will go.... be who no one else will be....stand up for what no one else will stand up for. Simple but so necessary.

I have a confession. I play the what if game alot.... I love my life and my family. I love my friends and I am truly blessed. TRULY. But sometimes, I get bored. Sometimes I allow my life to become too ordinary. I begin to convince myself that someone elses journey is more exciting and better. I have friends who come back from summer with amazing stories of camp and mission trips. I read blogs about students who traveled half way across the world and preached the gospel to people who have never heard the name of Jesus. I sit across the table from people who share with me dreams of full time ministry that would simply make your jaw drop. And envitably a bit of doubt creeps into my body and takes over. Maybe I am suppose to live that exciting life! Maybe I am playing it too safe. I do not have those amazing and jaw dropping stories about 100's of people coming to know Jesus in a single summer.

Then, I remember.... the front porch conversation with a young girl getting ready to head off to college in the fall for her freshman year. I think about the 20-something friend who finally realized that she is worth something and left an abusive relationship to discover life all over again. I recall images of a newly single dad with three children working two jobs to make ends meet. I think about community center block parties with neighborhoods who are hurting and broken. I take a ride over to the empty church parking lot and sit on the playground brainstorming ways to make God's purpose come alive in a church and a body of people that I love sooooo dearly.

Its so easy for me to play the "what if" game. I am surrounded by wonderful and exciting stories. I get so caught up in the big moments of other people's journeys that I forget to see the beauty of my own.

So whats the point you might ask? Why did I take the time on a Friday night to sit here and write this blog? Ready.... its quite simple. God has all of us on a journey. Each person's story and path is going to be different. Do not compare. Do not think that somehow your less famous, less dangerous, less glamorous journey is any less worthy. We have communities and towns and churches who are hurting and who are lost and broken. If God is calling you to that mission field, you should be honored to be a part of it. There is hard work to be done....

Father God,
Forgive me Lord for playing "what if" and comparing my journey to someone elses. God I admit that I often wish for the super exciting and super glamorous. I am sorry for the times God when I allowed life to become mudane and ordinary and missed the opportunity to connect with one of your children. I pray for America and our churches and our communities. So many of them are hurting. Open our eyes God to see their needs. Help us discern God how to be your hands and feet. God use me...use us to reach a lost and broken people who are desperately searching for hope.... I want to shine a light God that leads them right into Your loving and open arms. Make us aware of the people God in our churches, our families, our workplaces and our communities that need You. Make I take the time to build those relationships and friendships constantly showing them, telling them, encouraging them, teaching them, living life with them because I love them the way that You love them. Its really that simple. Thank you for those people who are willing to go into other countries to share the Gospel. Thank you for missionaries who travel across the country to teach and show someone Your love. God, together may we make a difference. Together may we live the life that honors and glorifies You. We cannot do it without Your help. I am dependent upon your strength and your love. - Amen

God in my living...

So lots has happened since my last post! Busy life right now. I just finished my Evangelism class and I am currently taking Theology! (Please pray for me!! haha) So far so good.... I am behind on my assignments right now but thankfully my professor is giving me an extension.

I am sittin in the Denver CO airport right now getting ready to catch a flight to Raleigh. Just finished enjoying another amazing weekend with Alicia and Jimmy. Alicia is my BFF and Jimmy is her husband-to-be. Had a great weekend. They are getting married in September and I am the maid of honor. Went out to go wedding dress shopping (she found an AMAZING dress! Makes her look like million bucks!) and visited and caught up. I always love seeing her. I am not sure that I completely appreciated her until she moved clear across the country. Its hard to go between visits but only 11 weeks until she is back in VA. Can't WAIT! The really awesome thing about the wedding is I can stand up there and say that I know both Alicia AND Jimmy and that I truly love them both. God has given me alot of opportunities to spend time with them and I am so thankful that I have a growing and happy friendship with Jimmy too! He is a wonderful person and I love him dearly.

Things at home are going really well right now. Mom, Dad and I are taking big steps in our relationships with one another and I can see alot of forward progress being made. I read Concentric Circles of COncern for my Evangelism class and can say with confidence that book has truly changed my life. If you have not read it, go buy it and begin reading today!! The message is not complicated but life changing. Basically, it says that unless we can repair relationships and share Jesus with those that we are closest too in life, how to we expect to reach the random person on the streets. So, I took it to heart and things are going GREAT! Please be praying for us as we continue to grow closer together and more importantly, closer to Jesus.

So, update on the church. I am still praying. I met with a very dear friend of mine last week and we talked over a Subway lunch (LOVE Subway!!) She had a lot of good encouraging things to say and I think that I am going to go and meet the new pastor this week. This is his first week at the church so I am sure that he is going to be really busy but I am excited to meet him, hear him preach and get to know him. I know that God has a plan and I am on my knees offering it to Him every chance that I get. :)

My friend Richelle is celebrating a birthday today! She is an amazing lady.... truly one of a kind. We went to Sugarland/Billy Currington concert last Friday night and had a blast! I am not sure that there were two crazier girls there. While the music was great and the entertainment a blast, it was just nice to be together. We could have honestly taken a walk and had just as much fun. The most important thing was that we spent good quality time together! Richelle, thank you for being an awesome friend who truly makes the most of life. I am so proud of the steps you have taken in your walk with Christ. You are truly a blessing. Love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Lots and Lots of good stuff going on right now! God is moving and working and I am so excited to be a part of it. He continues to amaze me and continues to bless my life. I love Him so much.

And of course there is always the stuff about life that is not good and not so much fun to talk about. I do need some prayers right now. God, You know my heart and my hurt. I ask Lord that You would open my eyes to see the truth even if it is difficult. God, show me what is honoring to You and may I continue to make that the priority in my life. And Lord, if this needs to be cut out, please reveal that to me. Show me God Your desire. As I search my heart, may I correct the things that need to be corrected, confront what can be changed and leave behind anything that gets in the way of Your will. I love you. Thank you God for loving me. - Amen

God in my laughing, There in my Weeping, God in my Hurting, God in my Healing....
BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING...BE MY EVERYTHING

i don't know what to think....

so lots of "stuff" running through my head right now. can't really make sense of all of it. not sure i have the courage to write it all down and post it somewhere where everyone can see it, but that is all that makes sense right now. maybe if it get it all out, it will become more clear to me.

let me tell you why.

couple of years ago, i left my church. as i grew closer in my walk with God, i grew farther and farther away from my church. i loved the people and my ministry but i began to come across things that i could not turn my back on. i got frustrated with the senior pastor and the lack of urgency that seemed to be all around me. i wasn't growing and it seemed like God was closing doors and telling me it was time to end that chapter in my life.

since leaving, i have had quite the time finding a new church. i have tried many and even stuck it out with 2 in particular. their names are not important. in the first, i never felt like i fit. i only knew a small handful of people and it seemed to be that way for everyone...including partners who had been there for years. that was not my idea of community. i moved on to a second church where i instantly felt comfortable. i have even started working with their youth group some although their summer schedule and my summer schedule do not seem to be meshing very well.

and then there's my old church. i absolutely love those people.
love. those. people.

even since leaving, i have had many opportunities to be a part of their life and their journey and i cherish the moments that i spend with them. here recently, i have really started to reconsider my thoughts about the church and my role. there is hardly a day that goes by, that i don't think about one of them or all of them. i also know that there is alot that needs to be changed. it can't get done without God. there are so many people there who don't understand relationship and who are not urgent about being better and stronger in their walk with God.

is God asking me to help? why do i feel burdened to help them? why am i constantly given opportunities to be a part of their life? what is my place? is God asking me to go back? what do i do with the parts of their church and their doctrine that i don't believe in? can i do anything and is it God's will for me to do something to reach those people?

i don't have a peace about any of this.... one way or another. i am finding myself asking alot of questions right now and at times talking in circles. i am not sure the right answer and have only one thing to do...give it to Him. He has a plan and i want to be obedient to His leading.

God, help me be faithful and true to You. Let nothing get in the way of what You desire. I lift up that church and those people. You know their needs. i know You are in control and have a plan. as i pause in these moments and consider the next step, i pray that i am patient enough to linger long enough to hear Your answer and Your will. thank you for loving me and thank you for each person in that church who has made a difference in my life. - Amen

the dripping faucet....

I was sitting in my friends house the other day.
A bunch of people were over. We were hanging out and talking and listening to music. The house was anything but quiet.

I was sitting on the couch engaged in conversation and all of a sudden I heard a noise. I looked up and realized the faucet in the kitchen was dripping. Must not have turned it off after my last glass of water.

I was right in the middle of listening to a friend tell a story and wanted to hear the ending so I returned to listening. As I tried to concentrate, I continued to be distracted by the sound of the dripping faucet. I was a bit annoyed. How in the world can something so quiet and discrete become such a loud deafening noise. It was WATER! How loud can it be.

Annoyed, I got up to turn off the dripping water. This tiny noise was easily overlooked by so many others but had become such a distraction to me. I could not ignore it and the more I tried the more I heard it and the louder it became.

So whats the point.....

God chooses to do his work in a quiet and subtle way; like the drip of a faucet. Its rarely in the rushing sound of a waterfall or in an oh my goodness the sink is flooding kind of way. It is so easy sometimes to overlook or even ignore the sound of the dripping water. But on that day, even with all the noise of people, talking and music, I could not have ignored the sound of the faucet if I had tried. The harder I tried the louder it was.

That is EXACTLY the way I want to live my life. No matter how "loud" life may get and no matter what the background noise may be I want the sound of the dripping faucet to be deafening to the point that I become dependent on its sound and can't function without it.

Thats how desperate I am for Him.

one of those kinda days....

It was late. I was tired...really tired. The day had started with little sleep the night before and already I was running behind. The to do list grew longer as the minutes and hours ticked away. Things that should have taken 5 minutes were taking 30 minutes and I was worn out. My body was aching. I had worked about 11 hours that day and left feeling defeated. Today was one of those days that work got the best of me .... I seem to be having a few of those lately. As I pulled out of the parking lot I looked in my rear view mirror.

This is what I saw.....




I wish I had a better camera.... This picture barely does it justice. The sunset was beautiful. The mountain backdrop was spectacular! I could not get over all the colors that I was easily able to see.

It was what I needed ..... not that a sunset made everything about that day or that week better. The same problems were still there. The same worn out girl still sat in the front driver seat exhausted and drained. But, HE reminded me that He was there. He reminded me that He cared, and for a few minutes on my drive home that night He painted a picture that He knew I would enjoy and find spectacular.

He knew exactly what I needed in that moment to take my mind off the week and took time out from running the universe to say I love you..... isn't it amazing to think that something that so many other people walk thru life never stopping to appreciate, made me stop in my tracks and take a nice long deep breath.

HE knew that.... and HE did that, because HE loves me and wanted to share that moment with me. Talk about goosebumps.....

Its not mine to give...

As I sat across the table from my friend looking down at my slice of cheese pizza (YUMMY!) she asked me if I ever got tired of people using me. She is such a sweet and tender-hearted friend and truly one of the most amazing people I know. I love her ALOT! I think my response caught her a bit off-guard.

What I have is not mine. It doesn't belong to me. I am just the temporary holder of a lot of really amazing and terrific "stuff" that ultimately belongs to and comes from God. He gives and He takes away according to how He sees fit. My responsibility is simply to use the things that He has given me, including TIME, MONEY, HOME, CAR, COMPUTER, TALENTS.... everything for His glory.

God blesses me with an amazing life.... I am honestly not deserving of any of it. NONE! And, the way I look at it have to two responses to this amazing grace that God has shown me. I can either give what I have to give in hopes that it will honor God and encourage His people, or I can keep what I have for myself and miss out an amazing opportunity to show someone the Love of Christ.

As for how people receive this gift..... that is between them and God. If they are "using me" or taking advantage of something then that is for them to work out. Its not up to me to determine how they respond or react to the gifts God is choosing to bless them with. It is only my responsbility to give what I have all the time as a response to my wonderful Creator who has given me all I need and definitely more then I deserve.

That not to say that I don't get frustrated or hurt sometimes.... because, I do. However, that frustration and that hurt pales in comparison to the opportunity to say Thank You to my Lord and Savior for what He has done..... I will never be able to repay Him for what he has done but I am overwhelmed with a desire to live my life in a way that honors Him and shines His light into this world. Giving is one of the ways I can do that.....

Putting our "stuff" at the center of our lives or even going as far as to put "us" in the center of our life is such a mistake. This is not what God has designed or intended..... God is so much bigger then that. We cannot begin to understand all of who He is or what He has done, and yet, even in His greatness and in our selfishness, He continues to be crazy in love with each of us!

He constantly turns us away from the idea of 'i', 'mine', 'self' and gently turns us back towards Him.... that He could love us to much even after knowing every selfish desire and hidden intent.

"He Love Us. Oh how he loves us...."

New Season....New Beginnings!

So summer is around the corner! I am excited about the possibilities of these warm months ahead and really looking forward to all that is happening. My calendar is already getting booked and there is more to come! My brother and his wife are pregnant with their first child (I am officially going to be and AUNT!!), my best friend is getting married and I am the maid of honor, I have three other friends getting married this summer and one friend who is pregnant. Add to that two graduations, a family vacation and some birthday celebrations and that makes for one GIANT summer of business and fun!! I am really excited about all the awesome things that are going on the lives of some amazing people. I could not be happier about all of it!

I am also keenly aware that its going to be easy for me to let time slip me by and to allow the big moments of summer keep me from challenging and pushing myself. I am not sure what is going to happen but I definitely feel God working. I am starting some new things and changing some old things and each time I take a step further on this journey, I know that He is preparing me.

Let me update you on some newness in my life. I have a room-mate. She isn't really new but for whatever reason, I haven't written about her before! We get along GREAT. I was anxious and a little nervous to add someone to my personal space but its working out well and I am so glad that she is here. She moved in back in January. I have enjoyed our talks and all our silly girl stories. I love having her around :)

I made a change at my job. Still working for Progressive and still handling claims. I moved back into the branch and so my workload got a LOT EASIER and less stressful. I was nervous and reluctant to make the switch but its been such a blessing. God has really opened up some doors there in my office with my co-workers and I look forward to seeing them each day. The job is so much less stressful and time consuming and has really allowed me to share with them what it means to love Jesus and to encourage and talk to them about their own walk with God. They are awesome and amazing people and I am SOOOOO glad they are in my life for this season.

I think I have found a church to call home! For those of you who know me, this has been a HUGE struggle for me and I am SOOOOOOOO thankful that I am beginning to see an end to my search. I am beginning to get more involved and so far have loved meeting the people there. I even went to youth service on Wednesday and hung out with some of the kids. They are great and I am already excited about going back again next week. This new door that is opening is so full of promise and possibility and absolutely some of the BEST stuff that has happened to me lately.

I have successfully completed two classes towards my Masters In Religion Degree!! I am taking Distance Learning classes thru Liberty's Seminary and LOVING every second of it. Yes.... I occassionally complain about the ridiculous quizzes of random things, and the long papers I have to write and the hundreds of pages we are expected to read a week but I really am enjoying the classes. I am learning ALOT and so excited to see what doors will open because of that. I have two more classes this summer.... Evangelism and Theology. I am REALLY excited about Evan and REALLY nervous about Theo. haha....

Its so funny to me to consider what's going on in my life.... the ways that God is moving and working. If I am being completely honest, I will say that they are not necessarily the ways that I was hoping for or wanting for my life. In fact, some of those doors have shut and opportunities have passed completely. Some doors remain closed or even absent all together.

As I look forward in anticipation at all the things that are happening around me this summer, I don't want to get so focused on those things, that I fail to use this season to grow and challenge myself. With careful thought ant consideration, I am working on setting some goals for myself. Picking a few things that I can work on for me this summer that are going to move me in the direction that God desires.

Please pray for me that I will use discernment and wisdom when deciding what to focus on. Also pray that I would be honest enough with myself and God to reveal my true intentions and desires. I will leave you tonight with a phrase from a song that has truly become one of my favorites.

"All of my life, IN EVERY SEASON, You are still God and I have a reason to sing.... I have a reason to worhip." - Hillsong United

my answer is YES!

As kids, my brother and I would ask my mom some of the silliest questions ... and it was never ending! We would want to know what we were having for dinner, if dad was coming home soon, if we could go to the movies, when we were leaving, if our uniforms were clean... The questions never ended! Depending on my mom's mood, we always got a variety of answers. Sometimes she would answer sarcastically, sometimes sincerely and other times she would just give us the "mom look" (you know what I am talking about - haha). If you happened to catch her in a sarcastic mood, her favorite response was "Sorry, my crystal ball is in the shop!" Oh man, I use to get so frustrated with her when she said that to me .... all I wanted was a simple answer!

When I spend time talking to God, I find myself asking a lot questions ... God what do you want? How do I love him? What does this mean? How can I help them? Why is mom struggling? When is going to be my turn? Oh, how nice it would be to get a text message from God with the answers to my many many questions! I would settle for an email or a wall post even. :) Man, I really wish that crystal ball would fix itself ... I could really use it sometimes!

It never occurred to me that God may be asking me a question too .... God wants to know my response. He wants me to answer YES even before I know His response.

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

- Hebrews 11:8

Did you catch that? Abraham obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going!! WOW. Abraham's response was YES because of his faith and his devotion to the Lord.

Its easy to say that ... its easy to sit around the dining room table and talk about this. But truly believing it to the point of LIVING like this is something different. God is asking a question .... will you follow Me and have faith in Me even when you don't know where you are going or what you are doing?

I say that my answer is YES ... but do I live like my answer is YES?

I want that kind of faith.... a faith like Abrahams. To say YES I will follow even when I don't know where that is or what that looks like. A life that is living for an audience of One ....

Who is willing to let go of any dream or any path if God's plan is different. Surrendering my way to His .... not asking Why or When or How or What but simply responding with a YES

This is my prayer.

This is my desire.

2800 miles, 5 states, 3 families, 5 friends and LOTS of memories

I am on top of the world right now.... no seriously, I haven't felt this good in a LONG time!

Just got back from amazing week in Florida. There with 4 of my favorites and seriously had an amazing time! Every day was filled with sun, flip-flops, water and laughs. Memories are priceless and this trip is full of them! We did a ton and had a great time ... all in all we drove about 2,800 miles, visited 5 different states, stayed with 3 different families, visited 2 amazing beaches, and have a million awesome memories.

Here are some of the highlights of this amazing trip!
1) Celebrating Mrs. Wofford's birthday in Applebees with dancing flamingo cards!
2) Hours of singing in the car
3) Almost mastering the Rubik's Cube! (I am SO close!!)
4) Caleb getting stuck in a KIDdie float... check out facebook. FUNNY stuff!
5) Line dancing and two stepping!
6) Afternoons of bike rides and shuffle board with daddy and Pop-Pop.
7) Pop-Pop leaving dad at the restaurant after breakfast! HAHA. Mom and I thought this
was hilarious!
8) Trip to Waffle House with old friends.
9) Spending the day with the Richards at the beach.
10)Roast Beef Dinner with the Woffords .... LOVE THIS FAMILY!
11) LOTS and LOTS of Bang! (its a card game...)
12) A few rounds of Spades (ALWAYS!)
13) Southern Accents! God blesses me.... oh my sweet AG!
14) Searching for sand dollars .... no luck unfortunately.
15) COLORING! -- Even Caleb picked a picture. :)
16) Getting to visit with the Woffords, Amber and Allison .... Idol talk, surgery photos
(GROSS!) and some worship... :)

Had a GREAT time ... relaxed and just enjoyed the moments that God gave. It was an amazing trip that made me thankful for the awesome people that I have in my life .... old and new!

Good times. Cant wait for next time ...!!!

Kisses! lots and lots of kisses

Last weekend I headed north to see my cousin Jen and her husband JR. I absolutely love them and their family. 8 months ago they had a baby boy Tyler who is so cute and so precious! Its been a rough 8 months for them....adjusting to the demand of a child and all the responsibility and joy that brings. Trying to find a balance between work, home, wife, husband, mom, dad, friend, daughter, sister, brother, son is alot and at the end of the day there just doesn't seem to be enough time to fit it all in.

I had an amazing weekend with the three of them..... It was so nice because my time was "normal." There was not a ton of people around. There were no parties or celebrations to be had. Instead we were just hanging out like friends hang out and I loved EVERY second of it!

Tyler is getting SOOOO BIG! He is learning more and more each day! It amazes me how alert he was and how much he was interacting with the people around him. He loves mirrors and looking at himself in the mirror. They have a floor to ceiling wall mirror in their master bedroom closet and that has become his new favorite hang-out spot! His laughs and giggles fill that house as he catches a glimpse of himself in the glass.

Bath-time with an 8 month old is interesting! Had I known I was going swimming I would have come prepared. Haha. I think that there was more water on me then in the tub! We played with alphabet letters and rubbie duckies. Bath time was lots of fun!

Baby Einstein is amazing! Ty and I watched a video on sign language where they are teaching kids to communite with their parents and their teachers. Its incredible what kids pick up on. He was so into it! At one point, daddy walked in front of the TV only to be startled by a shrill scream from Ty to make it known that he could not see and was not happy about it! His Einstein videos are one of his favorite times of the day.....

We played with LOTS of toys and had some story time. It was an incredible weekend! My favorite moment with Tyler was when I was getting ready to leave. I was holding him and telling him good-bye. I was giving him lots and lots of love with hugs and kisses all over and when I was done he reached out to me and gave me baby kisses back. And not just one baby kiss but lots and lots of baby kisses!!!! He turned his head from side to side and was giving me just as many kisses as I had given him. When he was done, I gave him more and then he gave me more and it was just the cutest thing! He also leaned in and gave me a hug before I let go one final time!

In that moment, I don't think I was capable of loving anyone or anything as much as him and that special time together! I miss him already and I am SO ready to go back and see him again!!!!

Thank you God for family and all the blessings that comes with! I am grateful for baby kisses and hugs and the special memories that I was able to create with Tyler this weekend. God protect him from the dangers of this world. Give Jen and JR the wisdom and encouragement they need. I pray that as they continue to develop and grow their family that their trust and their relationship with You deepens. I pray that as Tyler grows into a young boy that he develops his own relationship with You. I am excited to be a part of his journey and his story and pray that my life and my character may be an example that leads him to You. Thank you for this miracle and all the joy it brings to so many! I love you - Amen.

Underwear

I volunteer at my church for a children's program.
The first Saturday of every month we have SOUL STATION!
For those of you who don't know about SOUL STATION it is an amazing and wonderful program designed for children from Preschool thru 6th grade. It includes singing, dancing, skits, Bible stories and lots of lights and color and loud music! The kids absolutely LOVE soul station and look forward to it SOOOOOO much. They get so excited and are just running and jumping and singing and dancing as they come into the church.

That's where I come in....
I help set up before and tear down after but my FAVORITE part of Soul Station is getting to greet the kids and families as they come into the church. Their enthusiasm is just contagious! They are so happy to be there. I had a little one who could not habe been more then 15 or 16 months old tell me he was happy to be at OUL ACION this past weekend. :)

My favorite greeting this month was from a little boy who came bouncing around the corner with all the energy in the world. He gave me a big high five and I said to him that I was glad he was here to play and have fun with us. As he ran past me in some FIERCE excitement he shouted with pride, "I remembered to put my underwear on today!" as he pointed to his pants.

Oh, man! Life doesn't get much better. :)

E-M-P-T-Y

"I must be made empty so that HE can fill me up again"
The words to this song became so real to me tonight...

God, I know that you are working in my life.
That process is so painful sometimes.

My stubborness can get in the way of what You are trying to do. God I also know that there are just some things that I have been unwilling to let go off.

I know that I must be willing to sacrifice even what I think I might want to make room for what You have.

I can not get bogged down in what could be or what mught have been. No matter the pain and No matter how difficult I will do whatever it takes to come face to face with emptiness and face to face with pain so that every last bit of who I am can be let go of.

I understand I have to give it up so that I can be filled up with the blessings you have in store. God, I know I am almost there. I know that I have the given up ALOT of things. Some of them have even been really hard to let go of. I also know that the most difficult part is still to come. It would be so easy to just let it stay there.... It would be so easy to just make a list of all the reasons that it can stay. But if I leave it there, I also know that I am not giving You complete control. I am choosing to not let You have control. I am not leaving you with the most room to fill me up again in order to be the best version of me that is possible.

I have to let it go. I do not know how to do that. I have given it to You over and over and yet continue to pick it up and carry it again. I want to be empty. I am ready to go there with You. I will give up whatever is necessary to make sure that I am growing into the best version of me. The me that you have designed. Help me God become empty so that I can be filled again!

I am ready to make the room!

Fierce Determination....

I have good intentions God.
I want to do the right thing,
live the right way,
say and pray the right things.
I want to be strong enough to not let this bother me...

I also am keenly aware that this is a battle that I cannot win in my own strength. Its a daily fight and daily struggles. All of my fears and insecurities rise inside me and try to rob me of Your presence and Your love.

My determination to rise above it and move past it has never been stronger then in this moment.

I know that it is a daily surrender right now.
Making the choice in every instance and in every moment to put my trust in You.
I really want to live and love like that....
Not being held back by fear or hurt or disappointment

I have all the tools that I need to overcome and move on ....
All is need is in You.
If I know that and believe that then WHY is it so difficult to live like that?

God, YOU are what I want.
Nothing can be a substitute...
Nothing can fill my life, soul and my heart... but YOU

Help me God. I can not do it alone.