i don't know what to think....

so lots of "stuff" running through my head right now. can't really make sense of all of it. not sure i have the courage to write it all down and post it somewhere where everyone can see it, but that is all that makes sense right now. maybe if it get it all out, it will become more clear to me.

let me tell you why.

couple of years ago, i left my church. as i grew closer in my walk with God, i grew farther and farther away from my church. i loved the people and my ministry but i began to come across things that i could not turn my back on. i got frustrated with the senior pastor and the lack of urgency that seemed to be all around me. i wasn't growing and it seemed like God was closing doors and telling me it was time to end that chapter in my life.

since leaving, i have had quite the time finding a new church. i have tried many and even stuck it out with 2 in particular. their names are not important. in the first, i never felt like i fit. i only knew a small handful of people and it seemed to be that way for everyone...including partners who had been there for years. that was not my idea of community. i moved on to a second church where i instantly felt comfortable. i have even started working with their youth group some although their summer schedule and my summer schedule do not seem to be meshing very well.

and then there's my old church. i absolutely love those people.
love. those. people.

even since leaving, i have had many opportunities to be a part of their life and their journey and i cherish the moments that i spend with them. here recently, i have really started to reconsider my thoughts about the church and my role. there is hardly a day that goes by, that i don't think about one of them or all of them. i also know that there is alot that needs to be changed. it can't get done without God. there are so many people there who don't understand relationship and who are not urgent about being better and stronger in their walk with God.

is God asking me to help? why do i feel burdened to help them? why am i constantly given opportunities to be a part of their life? what is my place? is God asking me to go back? what do i do with the parts of their church and their doctrine that i don't believe in? can i do anything and is it God's will for me to do something to reach those people?

i don't have a peace about any of this.... one way or another. i am finding myself asking alot of questions right now and at times talking in circles. i am not sure the right answer and have only one thing to do...give it to Him. He has a plan and i want to be obedient to His leading.

God, help me be faithful and true to You. Let nothing get in the way of what You desire. I lift up that church and those people. You know their needs. i know You are in control and have a plan. as i pause in these moments and consider the next step, i pray that i am patient enough to linger long enough to hear Your answer and Your will. thank you for loving me and thank you for each person in that church who has made a difference in my life. - Amen

the dripping faucet....

I was sitting in my friends house the other day.
A bunch of people were over. We were hanging out and talking and listening to music. The house was anything but quiet.

I was sitting on the couch engaged in conversation and all of a sudden I heard a noise. I looked up and realized the faucet in the kitchen was dripping. Must not have turned it off after my last glass of water.

I was right in the middle of listening to a friend tell a story and wanted to hear the ending so I returned to listening. As I tried to concentrate, I continued to be distracted by the sound of the dripping faucet. I was a bit annoyed. How in the world can something so quiet and discrete become such a loud deafening noise. It was WATER! How loud can it be.

Annoyed, I got up to turn off the dripping water. This tiny noise was easily overlooked by so many others but had become such a distraction to me. I could not ignore it and the more I tried the more I heard it and the louder it became.

So whats the point.....

God chooses to do his work in a quiet and subtle way; like the drip of a faucet. Its rarely in the rushing sound of a waterfall or in an oh my goodness the sink is flooding kind of way. It is so easy sometimes to overlook or even ignore the sound of the dripping water. But on that day, even with all the noise of people, talking and music, I could not have ignored the sound of the faucet if I had tried. The harder I tried the louder it was.

That is EXACTLY the way I want to live my life. No matter how "loud" life may get and no matter what the background noise may be I want the sound of the dripping faucet to be deafening to the point that I become dependent on its sound and can't function without it.

Thats how desperate I am for Him.