The truth....and nothing but the truth.

So, I just had a pretty crazy experience..... an experience that I am honestly a little scared and embarrassed to share. It is going to leave me exposed and open....not something that I am accustomed to do but God has pressed on my heart to sit and write and so I find myself here...writing and hoping that it will all make sense.

I left my church hom in January of 2008. I love that church.... I love those people! I was really involved and very active with many of the ministries there. I particularly miss serving the body of Christ...... especially the Youth Group and all the memories and experiences we shared. They hold a very special and dear place in my heart...... but, I left.

I began to search for a new church and a new beginning. The journey started with high expectations and hopes. I was committed to finding the spot that God had for me and was excited about all the new doors that would be opened. My heart was open, my body willing and my spirit encouraged. Week after week, I found myself in a new building with a new preacher and new people. Each week I continued to leave wishing and praying for something different....something more bold....something more authentic.

I should back up a bit in the story and tell you that I am the typical church kid. My family went to church every weekend since I was a young child. I remember sitting on the seond row of our tiny country church. We put the money in the offering plate, went to Sunday school, and sang the beautiful church hymns but it ended there..... I think it ends there for ALOT of us. There was no mention of a relationship with Jesus Christ. There was no challenge to share our faith with others. Our church settled for "playing the part." We were reading the Bible but not opening ourselves to allowing the Bible to change us. I found this in MANY churches I have visited and attended..... (the topic for another day!).

But, here I am in the Bible Belt of country where close to half of our city attends church....and I cant seem to find a place where I belong. To say I became discouraged is an understatement. Angry and Bitter might be better descriptions. I have and to an extent continue to struggle with Why it is so hard to find a good church? I followed Christ by leaving a church and a people that I love deeply and yet find myself alone.......What was wrong with me? I sat in chruch week in and week out.... good solid churches, and yet continue to crave something different.

This takes a toll on you. A very emotional toll....... With each passing week, my discouragement grew. It seemed like the more I prayed the more dissatisfied I was. What the heck? I began to dread the weekends because I knew it meant another church...another service...another time that I would be disappointed.

This morning was no different. I was up last night at midnight looking thru the phonebook and listening to church voicemails for their service times...hoping that I might find somewhere to go. I finally decided on a place and time around 12:30 and ended my day with a prayer.... a prayer that God would open my eyes to the truth and the ways that He is working in me. It was simple and yet so complete.

As I left the house this morning, I instantly became overwelmed with a dissatisfaction with going to this service I had chosen. I didn't want to go....I found myself calling a friend and sharing with her a bit of my struggle. What should I expect from a church? What is there role in this life? Am I asking for something that doesn't exist? I want to "get in the game" but I also don't want to settle for "looking the part." That is simply not good enough. God didn't call me (or you) to a life of nothing better then average. I decided to go with her, yet again, to her church. I knew what to expect and at least felt that the service might be one that would challenge me. I prayed on the way to church, that God would stir something within me and help me to eliminate any distractions or prior experiences. I didn't want anything to get in the way of what He wanted me to hear and what He wanted to share with me today.

Worship was amazing (as usual) .... "Your Grace is enough", "Jesus Paid it All" and a David Crowder song. (I cant remember the title but the lyrics go "sing a song of hope. to know you and be loved it enough....) GREAT songs..... good worship. The service title.... "Bring It." The pastor began to preach on the Great Commission found in the last chapter of Matthew. He also preached from James Chapter 1 where it discusses not only reading scripture but doing what it says. He challenged us to stop deceiving ourselves and then closed out the sermon with the parable of the Vine and the Branches found in John 15.

Ready for this.... his message was about the role of the church!!! He layed out three reasons that church exists and shares with us some of his concerns with the trends in churches today. His trends.... settling, going thru the motions, not getting in the game! There is more..... he then goes on to talk about how the church today is failing to meet the needs of those people who have committed to Christ and trying to lead Chist Centered Lives! He talks about how so many disciples are discouraged and dissatisfied with church and find themselves left wanting more! I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. He admitted to not knowing the answer to this problem but then also said he was looking for help from people to find the solution. WOW!

Now I am not saying that this is my church or where I should be...... I am thanking Christ for validation that my questions are ones worth wrestling with. I am glad that I am not settling and maybe Brentwood is the right church. I do know that I want to "Bring It" and I also know that until I take ownership of my own relationship with Jesus and truly understand that the relationship I have with Him is my responsbility I will be left wanting and desiring more.

How awesome, that God would choose to speak to me today. I can see the ways that he is working in me and I didn't allow anything to distract my attention or pull me away from what He wanted me to hear.... I am so grateful that I have a relationship with a Man who died on a cross to save my life and that He loves me enough to not leave me where I am today!

Movin, Movin, Movin

So my house is on the market. Thats right, I am one of the crazy people trying to sell their house at quite possibly the WORST time. Its been for sale for about a month now and each day, I box up just a few more things. It amazes me how much stuff I have accumulated in such a short amount of time. I'm not joking.... I have ALOT of "stuff!"

Each time as I open another closet or look underneath another bed I am amazed at all the things that I had forgotten that I had and all the things I didn't need anymore. I always end up with three piles: trash, give away, keep. Kinda like the show "Clean Sweep" for all my TLC fans!!
(Get back on track Kel!) I cannot begin to tell you how much stuff I am throwing away and how much stuff I have not used in months! And the really funny thing is, how even though I forgot it was there and that I haven't used it in over a year, I am still having trouble letting go and giving it away.... There is some part of me that wants to keep it "just in case" or for that "one special occassion."

I can't help but draw the comparison here.......to my life, our lives. How many of us need to box some stuff up and get rid of it? How many of us have a trash pile that is just getting bigger and bigger in our hearts and souls? How many of us can't part with something and want to keep hanging on "just in case?" Maybe its an old relationship.... or a regret. Maybe its something from your childhood that remains unresolved.

It is such a challenge to box the past up and such an uncertain thing to get rid of something that has so many emotions attached to it.... whether they are positive or negative. If we continue to hang on to things "just in case" or wish that something could be different/changed, we get hung up in the past. We begin to focus on what should have been or could have been or might have been and we miss out on today!

So what happens when we get rid of the trash and dont need piles? We have room to grow. We have room to expand into new lessons... new relationships.... new places...... new memories. God desires for you to walk with Him. He doesn't want you to remain the same. His dreams for you are so much bigger and more fluid then that.

Father God, help me understand what trash I need to throw away and what parts of my life I need to let go of. Help me to make rooom in my heart and soul for the newness You desire. Forgive me for the times I hang onto those things that get in the way of my relationship with You. Thank you for the memories and the lessons they taught and thank you for the excitement of what lies ahead. I love You.

Dreams.....

As a child, I remember dreaming of becoming a lawyer.
For a while I wanted to be an astronaut.
I even went to space camp every summer!
My dreams developed in middle school and high school to be a pediatrician
Then a pediatric surgeon.

I remember a defining moment in my life.....
I was a second semester sophmore in college and got very sick.
I have Weber Christians Disease and came face to face with the realization that I may not get better and that this disease was something that would not be cured and most likely would not go away. Looking back on this moment, I see that I gave in too easily.
I decided that studying to be a doctor was most likely impossible and fulfilling the demands of medical school were almost impossible so I let go and moved on.

While letting go and moving on may not be a bad thing, I realize now that I gave up too easily on my dream. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be a doctor and I don't want to work in the medical field. My passions have changed since that day, but what I didn't do for the longest time was dream.....

I didn't know where to go and didn't have another plan.
I had wanted to be in medicine for the longest time and didn't know any other way.
I see now that I conceeded too quickly and while I did ultimately understand that I didn't want to work in medicine I lost out on dreaming....

Dreaming of a world of possibilities.
If you talk with kids today, they will tell you of aspirations to be pro sports players, lawyers, pilots, business owners, beauty queens..... the list is endless.
Somewhere along the way we lose that.....somewhere along the way we let go of those dreams and confirm to and adapt to a life where we are not fulfilling our potential.

Now dont get me wrong.....
I am not saying that all dreams are worth pursuing.
Sometimes we have fantasies and misunderstand the important difference in dreams and in fantasies....

But, we need to dream BIG! The bigger our dreams the more we succeed.
The more passionate we are about life, the more significance we have in our part of the world we touch.

We, people, are the greatest resource this country has for lasting change.
God created us to be different and more complex then any other thing of this world.
And yet, somewhere along the way we lose the passion to dream BIG and settle for some version of ourselves and never live up to the potential we have.

So whats wrong with settling you might ask?
Because like an epidemic the idea of a mediocre life spreads like wildfire to other people......
We squelch any desire they have of becoming the best version of themselves and in following thru.

Instead of being an innovator and pioneer we lead comfortable and safe lives and conform. Let me be the first to say, that I don't dream big enough. I forget that the Creator of this Universe is capable of doing ANYTHING and is just waiting for me to ASK.

Ask BIG
Dream BIG
and be AMAZED when God comes thru!

So what happens when you dream big and succeed.....
you give other people permission to do the same.
When your light shines bright and people see the difference you are making and the impact you have, you unconsciously allow them to do and be the same.

Imagine the greatness and significance that has for this world.
A world that is missing out and under utilizing its greatest resource,
US!