So, I just had a pretty crazy experience..... an experience that I am honestly a little scared and embarrassed to share. It is going to leave me exposed and open....not something that I am accustomed to do but God has pressed on my heart to sit and write and so I find myself here...writing and hoping that it will all make sense.
I left my church hom in January of 2008. I love that church.... I love those people! I was really involved and very active with many of the ministries there. I particularly miss serving the body of Christ...... especially the Youth Group and all the memories and experiences we shared. They hold a very special and dear place in my heart...... but, I left.
I began to search for a new church and a new beginning. The journey started with high expectations and hopes. I was committed to finding the spot that God had for me and was excited about all the new doors that would be opened. My heart was open, my body willing and my spirit encouraged. Week after week, I found myself in a new building with a new preacher and new people. Each week I continued to leave wishing and praying for something different....something more bold....something more authentic.
I should back up a bit in the story and tell you that I am the typical church kid. My family went to church every weekend since I was a young child. I remember sitting on the seond row of our tiny country church. We put the money in the offering plate, went to Sunday school, and sang the beautiful church hymns but it ended there..... I think it ends there for ALOT of us. There was no mention of a relationship with Jesus Christ. There was no challenge to share our faith with others. Our church settled for "playing the part." We were reading the Bible but not opening ourselves to allowing the Bible to change us. I found this in MANY churches I have visited and attended..... (the topic for another day!).
But, here I am in the Bible Belt of country where close to half of our city attends church....and I cant seem to find a place where I belong. To say I became discouraged is an understatement. Angry and Bitter might be better descriptions. I have and to an extent continue to struggle with Why it is so hard to find a good church? I followed Christ by leaving a church and a people that I love deeply and yet find myself alone.......What was wrong with me? I sat in chruch week in and week out.... good solid churches, and yet continue to crave something different.
This takes a toll on you. A very emotional toll....... With each passing week, my discouragement grew. It seemed like the more I prayed the more dissatisfied I was. What the heck? I began to dread the weekends because I knew it meant another church...another service...another time that I would be disappointed.
This morning was no different. I was up last night at midnight looking thru the phonebook and listening to church voicemails for their service times...hoping that I might find somewhere to go. I finally decided on a place and time around 12:30 and ended my day with a prayer.... a prayer that God would open my eyes to the truth and the ways that He is working in me. It was simple and yet so complete.
As I left the house this morning, I instantly became overwelmed with a dissatisfaction with going to this service I had chosen. I didn't want to go....I found myself calling a friend and sharing with her a bit of my struggle. What should I expect from a church? What is there role in this life? Am I asking for something that doesn't exist? I want to "get in the game" but I also don't want to settle for "looking the part." That is simply not good enough. God didn't call me (or you) to a life of nothing better then average. I decided to go with her, yet again, to her church. I knew what to expect and at least felt that the service might be one that would challenge me. I prayed on the way to church, that God would stir something within me and help me to eliminate any distractions or prior experiences. I didn't want anything to get in the way of what He wanted me to hear and what He wanted to share with me today.
Worship was amazing (as usual) .... "Your Grace is enough", "Jesus Paid it All" and a David Crowder song. (I cant remember the title but the lyrics go "sing a song of hope. to know you and be loved it enough....) GREAT songs..... good worship. The service title.... "Bring It." The pastor began to preach on the Great Commission found in the last chapter of Matthew. He also preached from James Chapter 1 where it discusses not only reading scripture but doing what it says. He challenged us to stop deceiving ourselves and then closed out the sermon with the parable of the Vine and the Branches found in John 15.
Ready for this.... his message was about the role of the church!!! He layed out three reasons that church exists and shares with us some of his concerns with the trends in churches today. His trends.... settling, going thru the motions, not getting in the game! There is more..... he then goes on to talk about how the church today is failing to meet the needs of those people who have committed to Christ and trying to lead Chist Centered Lives! He talks about how so many disciples are discouraged and dissatisfied with church and find themselves left wanting more! I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. He admitted to not knowing the answer to this problem but then also said he was looking for help from people to find the solution. WOW!
Now I am not saying that this is my church or where I should be...... I am thanking Christ for validation that my questions are ones worth wrestling with. I am glad that I am not settling and maybe Brentwood is the right church. I do know that I want to "Bring It" and I also know that until I take ownership of my own relationship with Jesus and truly understand that the relationship I have with Him is my responsbility I will be left wanting and desiring more.
How awesome, that God would choose to speak to me today. I can see the ways that he is working in me and I didn't allow anything to distract my attention or pull me away from what He wanted me to hear.... I am so grateful that I have a relationship with a Man who died on a cross to save my life and that He loves me enough to not leave me where I am today!
