Thank you??

Another July has passed.
Fall is just around the corner....
Another season behind me.
This season was one filled with lots of questions
no answers.

I was questioning so many things,
understanding where I failed
and deciding where I wanted to go

Coming face to face with who I was....
the good AND the bad

Struggles about dreams that were unfulfilled
Doubts about what the next step should be
Lack of Understanding about why things were happening or....
Not Happening.

I got to a place where I was just existing.
A place where the days ran all together
I didn't have my spark. I didn't have the fight.
I was hurting and lonely and couldn't fix it.

Scripture is filled with verses and passages to offer hope in times like these.... to offer encouragement and to remind us that God is there. I was reading these Scriptures and clinging on to each phrase.... it just wasn't enough. I could tell you all of the right things to say in response to any question about trial, but I didn't "feel" that way on the inside.

I wanted to feel that way.
I wanted to be OK with my circumstances trusting that God's plan was bigger but I didn't live like I knew it, I was having trouble living like I was OK.

I talked with Family.
I confided with my friends.
I looked for the answer and prayed for help.....
Nothing

I can't believe what I am about to say..... but I just want to say Thanks God
Thanks for not giving me the easy way out
Thanks for not rescuing me with my first tear
I understand that this had to happen......
I don't even fully grasp or comprehend why. I can only see a tip but even the part I can see, I am so greatful.

I know God now, better than ever, that I truly NEED You in my life.
I can go thru the motions and even succeed in the eyes of this world...
but it would be for nothing.

I have grown to Love you in way that I never knew was possible.....
I can't even articulate it or put it into words.
I don't have an analogy or an understanding of what to compare it to.
This feeling.... this emotion.... this reality is so real, so authentic, so raw, so passionate.

Now that I have gotten to this place.
Its a choice.... a choice to believe that YOU are bigger then any problem.
Its a choice to let YOU in.

What I had to give up... the dreams I had to let go of.....
those pale in comparison to the peace and fulfillment I have now
in this moment.

A thank you doesn't seem sufficient.

I am at a loss of words.... but my heart and my soul have never been better.

I still have the questions and the doubts but I don't have the burdens or the worry. I am filled instead with a passion to live this life with Him. Finding my strength and my answers in the quietness of my prayers and in the CHOICES that I am free to make.

This is what You have wanted all along.... for me to decide to let go. I can see that now. I understand what that means now. I feel that way and the release is magnificient. I understand that it can't be the desire of my family or of my friends.... It can't even be the desire for You. I have to make the CHOICE.

Now, that I am here in this place, truly surrendered and ready to liste, I am SO EXCITED about the plans that You have and the places You want to take me to. I am done worrying and playing it safe. I can see a world and a people who Need you and I am saying proudly and without hesistation that I am ready for this journey.

I have you and truly that is all I need.... truly.

That realization and UNDERSTANDING has truly changed me....
my priorities, my passions, my values, me.
The change has been inward.
Its not something that can be heard or touched.
It can't be ariticulated and won't show up on a written test.
Its a life that will be lived with a difference.....

A sign of contentment and excitement
Content for the blessings and place God has me today
but so VERY VERY EXCITED for the places that He is going to take me tomorrow!

Time to Remodel?

I was sitting in the Raleigh Airport on Friday night....
waiting to take flight to Tampa to visit my mom. As I sat there, a family sat down across from me. Looked like a mom, dad, aunt and two brothers. They were on their way home from vacation..... home was Orlando FL. As they sat there reading and grabbing a quick dinner, mom pulled out a magazine from her carry-on.

On the cover it had the following catch phrase: "100 Ways to Improve your Kitchen"

The conversation that followed included a family discussion on the improvements needed for their kitchen....everyone weighed in with the ideas on what to include or remove to make the "dream kitchen" The likes and dislikes were vast and included everything from granite countertops and stone fireplaces to custom cabinets and stainless steel appliances. The list continued...... each thinking they had the perfect plan to make their kitchen the best!

Do you have a wishlist..... a wishlist for your life. Maybe your list includes a nicer home, a new car, more money, to be married, to have children, to have the lastest electronics, to be thinner, to have longer hair or a bigger TV..... The world we live in has convinced us that if we could just get ____________ ( you fill in the blank) that life could begin or be better......

And so our quest begins. We look everywhere and try every trick. We are desperatly searching and hoping and wishing that the answer could be found. We want to fee alive and so we pursue wealth, power, success, pleasure just hoping its the answer.....

WHAT WE ARE SO OFTEN WILLING TO SACRIFICE IS THE VERY THING MOST ESSENTIAL FOR LIFE -- A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST.

So if you find yourself remodeling or on a journey looking for an hoping for more out of life....start and center your remodeling with Jesus. Sure you can remodel without him and even live without him.... we see that everyday. But if you want the answer to what you are looking for...... you have it with Him, In Him. You won't be disappointed!

Turning Point

So here I am at midnight....
typing and filled with so many feelings and things that I am trying to think thru
I can feel the tears building and my eyes burning


Here I am in this world....
Trying to make sense of it all and learning that
some things are just never going to make sense.
Almost as if the chaos is "normal"


I am making all of this harder than it should be.
I am complicating things.....


I don't know how to fix it.

I am all out of answers and find myself tired and exhausted
and feeling all alone.


I know that You are there.
I know that I am the one who has left....
The more I try to find You the more lost and alone I feel.


I cant take another step.
I am done trying to fix it by myself.

Instead, I just want to run into your arms.
I want to feel the strength of your hands surround me and protect me.
I want to hear the gentle whisper of Your voice tell me that You love me.


My heart longs for more....
burns to know you more.
to serve you more.
to love you more.


Again, I have put my trust in something other than your blood.
Something, that has left me crumpled on the floor

Tired
Weary
Broken



I know YOU are the answer.
Nothing short of You is going to help me....
Move me into the place and position You desire.

I am ready to go.
To leave all that I think will make me happy and content....
Ready to truly let it go and follow you....
wherever that leads me.

You know my deepest desires.
You understand my element and what makes me complete better than I do.
Take me there.....

I don't want to waste another moment in this world
A world that is filled with beautiful people
A world that is filled with opportunities

Use me God!
I am ready.....
I will go anywhere...
I will do anything.....
I know the risk that I am taking but also the reward to be gained.

You have so much to offer... so much more then any person or any thing this world can offer.
Everything pales in comparison to complete surrender!
I am there.....

Content where I am.
Understanding that my life is overflowing with blessings.....

But ready for what is next
Longing to grow and learn and be different
Not wanting to waste another second!

I am here....
Listening.
Ready.
Willing.