Thank you??

Another July has passed.
Fall is just around the corner....
Another season behind me.
This season was one filled with lots of questions
no answers.

I was questioning so many things,
understanding where I failed
and deciding where I wanted to go

Coming face to face with who I was....
the good AND the bad

Struggles about dreams that were unfulfilled
Doubts about what the next step should be
Lack of Understanding about why things were happening or....
Not Happening.

I got to a place where I was just existing.
A place where the days ran all together
I didn't have my spark. I didn't have the fight.
I was hurting and lonely and couldn't fix it.

Scripture is filled with verses and passages to offer hope in times like these.... to offer encouragement and to remind us that God is there. I was reading these Scriptures and clinging on to each phrase.... it just wasn't enough. I could tell you all of the right things to say in response to any question about trial, but I didn't "feel" that way on the inside.

I wanted to feel that way.
I wanted to be OK with my circumstances trusting that God's plan was bigger but I didn't live like I knew it, I was having trouble living like I was OK.

I talked with Family.
I confided with my friends.
I looked for the answer and prayed for help.....
Nothing

I can't believe what I am about to say..... but I just want to say Thanks God
Thanks for not giving me the easy way out
Thanks for not rescuing me with my first tear
I understand that this had to happen......
I don't even fully grasp or comprehend why. I can only see a tip but even the part I can see, I am so greatful.

I know God now, better than ever, that I truly NEED You in my life.
I can go thru the motions and even succeed in the eyes of this world...
but it would be for nothing.

I have grown to Love you in way that I never knew was possible.....
I can't even articulate it or put it into words.
I don't have an analogy or an understanding of what to compare it to.
This feeling.... this emotion.... this reality is so real, so authentic, so raw, so passionate.

Now that I have gotten to this place.
Its a choice.... a choice to believe that YOU are bigger then any problem.
Its a choice to let YOU in.

What I had to give up... the dreams I had to let go of.....
those pale in comparison to the peace and fulfillment I have now
in this moment.

A thank you doesn't seem sufficient.

I am at a loss of words.... but my heart and my soul have never been better.

I still have the questions and the doubts but I don't have the burdens or the worry. I am filled instead with a passion to live this life with Him. Finding my strength and my answers in the quietness of my prayers and in the CHOICES that I am free to make.

This is what You have wanted all along.... for me to decide to let go. I can see that now. I understand what that means now. I feel that way and the release is magnificient. I understand that it can't be the desire of my family or of my friends.... It can't even be the desire for You. I have to make the CHOICE.

Now, that I am here in this place, truly surrendered and ready to liste, I am SO EXCITED about the plans that You have and the places You want to take me to. I am done worrying and playing it safe. I can see a world and a people who Need you and I am saying proudly and without hesistation that I am ready for this journey.

I have you and truly that is all I need.... truly.

That realization and UNDERSTANDING has truly changed me....
my priorities, my passions, my values, me.
The change has been inward.
Its not something that can be heard or touched.
It can't be ariticulated and won't show up on a written test.
Its a life that will be lived with a difference.....

A sign of contentment and excitement
Content for the blessings and place God has me today
but so VERY VERY EXCITED for the places that He is going to take me tomorrow!